The playoffs are coming, do you have a point guard emergency? Mo Williams consistency driving you insane? Kyrie Irving just not cutting it since his return? Steve Nash can’t stay on the floor? Tony Parker goes down! Well according to Lt. Dangle there might be a new sheriff in Orlando, all he needs is a killer ‘stache. Beno Udrih was Udraining shots from all over the floor Friday night and scored 27 points (10-17 FG) with 5 rebounds, 7 assists, 2 steals and hit 3 shots from beyond the arc. Beno may have that mustache in him after all. Jameer Nelson missed his fourth straight game and Beno got the nod again. In four games starting with Nelson out, Udrih is averaging 19.5 points, 7.3 assists, 4 rebounds, 1.75 steals and 2.5 threes a game. BENOthatswhatImtalkingabout Udrih! He  played 36 minutes Friday night and should continue to find plenty of time on the floor even when (if) Jameer Nelson (ever) returns. If I have a playoff point guard emergency I’m picking up Udrih,  Beno-911 should provide enough points and assists to make him an asset in your fantasy playoffs.

Here’s what else happened in basketball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sorry, Chris Bosh.  You don’t get to be called “The Big 1.”

As suspected, both LeBron James and Dwyane Wade sat out against the Knicks, and Carmelo Anthony went bonkers.  “I better play well with those guys out, because if we see them in the playoffs I’m gonna blow.”  Ok, that’s my attempt at his inner monologue.  So it might not be right at all the time, big deal.  It’s kinda like when you try to read NBA players lips and they say the craziest things.  That Bosh freeze frame is fantastic.

Here’s what else went down in a light night of NBA action:

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If you’re looking for fantasy basketball salvation this Easter weekend, Andre Drummond may be the closest your team gets playoff savior. He’s the missing link, drop everything and go pick him up! After missing two months with a back injury, rookie Andre Drummond returned to the court last night to start at center and scored 17 points (80 FG%) with 4 rebounds, 2 blocks and 2 steals. Drums has massive rebounding upside that we didn’t even see last night. In 13 January games before the injury, Dre averaged 8.8 points, 9.2 rebounds and 2.1 blocks. Translation: dude is an absolute beast on the boards. You can ask Greg Monroe (11 pts, 13 reb), Andre’s words-with-friend and personal mentor. With Drums figuring to be a huge part of the future of the Pistons, it’s hard to imagine they won’t give him every opportunity to play in the few games there is left. Drummond’s free throw percentage is rough, but the defensive stats are there and his upside alone makes him a great add in all leagues, especially for those in need of rebounds and blocks.  With the waiver wire scraps getting thinner by the day, Andre Drummond could definitely warrant a spot on your fantasy playoff roster.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy basketball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In a light slate of games, there were two premiere matchups with the Knicks at Celtics and Clippers at Mavericks.  What game do I get highlights for?  Timberwolves at Pistons.  C’mon Gary!  J.J. Barea looked good!  Sigh.

The Knicks took care of the Celtics and apparently after being compared to Stevie Nicks in a major sports media outlet, have started playing like a team atop the East again.  In the West, The Mavs needed overtime to knock off the Clippers with both Chris Paul and Dirk Nowitzki putting up 33 a piece.  “Whatever you can do, I can do equal!”  How communistic.

Let’s go through the noteworthy fantasy performances last night:

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Bonjour all, tis I, Tehol Beddict, and I come back to you a new man. A better man. I’m sure many of you sent in hand written letters, filled with panic and despair over my abrupt disappearance , and your fears were justified as my journey almost turned perilous on multiple occasions. Trust that I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, for mankini modeling can turn deadly at any given moment as many a she-male lurk on the stunningly beautiful island that’s known as Bora Bora.

Before my tale involving the treacherous she-males occurred I spent my time off camera helping induce pregnant dolphins into labor, rescuing sea turtles from fish nets, thatching roofs destroyed by a recent hurricane, trying to impregnate a village chief’s daughter and digging a well for the thirsty locals. Yes, Tehol Beddict is a philanthropist  as well as being a scholar, poet, mankini model, and a writer. It’s true I wear many hats, but among those is never a jimmy, luckily for the Chieftan’s daughter, who I can now proudly say is expecting come winter.

When saving baby sea creatures one must be wary of the poisonous sea urchin as the only way to stop the pain is by peeing on the wound. Giving golden showers to tourists is now one of my greatest passions after this trip.  I shall never forget the joy of easing a tourist’s pain by blasting his face with a powerful stream of urine. You must be precise in these matters and my aim stuck true. The locals worshipped me for these feats and told me they had only read about piss with such potency in tales about the Gods they worshipped thousands of years ago before they were overtaken by the pious French. But this is a tale for another day my friends for I did battle with some of the most powerful she-males of Bora Bora , nearly losing my life in the process, and that story takes precedence.

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Where were you in 1999?  Hard to believe that’s 14 years ago!  I’m a spring chicken, so I was in 6th grade.  Man, middle school was the worst.  Elementary school was the shizz and in high school you could smoke good shizz.  But middle school kids were just mean.  Where was Tim Duncan in 1999?  Oh just winning an NBA title with David Robinson.  I had completely forgotten David Robinson has a 71-point game in 1994.  Maybe Brittney Griner could get that.  Duncan was huge last night fending off the Mavericks, grabbing the second highest total of rebounds this season with 19 and scoring 28 points on 12-20 shooting.  After missing a game with a sore knee, Duncan didn’t miss a beat in the post.  With the trade deadline passed, Duncan owners can have some optimism that even if he sits a game here and there down the stretch, he can still go off and be one board away from a Goromotaro.

It was a light slate of NBA games (only 2 last night), but let’s take a quick look at what happened across the NBA:

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K-Mart, the retail store I’m talking here, has always been a joke.  The one next to campus where I went to college always got robbed and there was always someone with a gun.  I know there’s a popular site People of Walmart, which would be pretty interesting for K-Mart too if there ever actually was people in K-Marts.  Maybe shoppers there treat the store like Dawn of the Dead.  They’re just ducking and covering, and steal supplies stealthily which is why the shelves are always empty.  Well I guess they have been in the news recently because of their great Black Friday deals.  Hey, if DeMarcus Cousins can’t shoot better than 1-10 or 2-10 like he has in the last two ganes, he might be in one of the lines.  “We’re moving to Seattle, but we’re not taking you!”  Good thing the NBA version’s of K-Mart showed he isn’t completely chapter 11, going a respectable 16 Pts (4-6 FG 3-5 3PTM) 4 Rebs 4 Asts and 2 Stls.  Hey I just said Kevin Martin wasn’t bankrupt… Not that he is suddenly on fire!  Damn K-Mart (the smoldering store).  Most rebounds since Jan. 9th, first 30+ min game in 7 games, and luckily he’s still in the OKC mix.  Only two games last night, but let’s check out what went down:

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Greetings Razzball nation! It is I, Tehol Beddict, your indebted servant, scrutinizing player performances yet again to help you win your fantasy league. Let’s just say that Chris Bosh has had a trying last few days. The guy already gets blasted mercilessly for his resemblance to prehistoric creatures, flaccid rebounding numbers and his many peculiar moments on camera, some which of are on this video.

Please, blog, may I have some more?