Upon occasion – especially while watching the Wizards – I think to myself, “Self? You could do better than these guys, right? Sure, you’re not as tall as most of these guys and you have trouble going to your left, you tend to get wheezy after just a couple laps up the court, your sweat makes people not want to talk to you, you choke on the gum you’re chewing 3/4 of the possessions, and your on-court communication consists mostly of reciting lines from ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ but still, the Wizards are awful.” Now I know you think it’s weird that I address myself as Self, but if I didn’t do that how would I know who I’m talking to?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The fact that Ricky Rubio still isn’t the starting point guard of the Minnesota Timberwolves is only batshizz crazy until you dump water over your head and remind yourself that this is the Minnesota squadron that couldn’t find a regular spot in the starting rotation for Kevin Love in his first two seasons, despite him never having a PER under 18 at any point during that time.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m going to have to be careful here, so as not to convince you Gary Neal is a cherry, when, in fact, he’s closer to a lemon. Do people even call good things “cherries” or did I just make that up?Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’ve looked back on the best players at each position from the 2010 fantasy basketball season. Now we’re preparing to steal a few glimpses at the 15 best rookies of 2010. Everyone has their preferred way to steal glimpses. Some put on dark sunglasses, others find reflective surfaces like storefront windows or iPad screens so as not to look directly at the subject you want to see, and yet others preemptively stare at the empty space their glimpse-able object will inhabit until they walk right into it and, whoops, it was just an accident that you were glimpsing!Please, blog, may I have some more?
With no (pro) games last night, a true fantasy killer* likely spent the entire evening alone in a dark room, with a mason jar used primarily for urine (primarily) plotting nothing else but how his final nine fantasy days are going to go.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We’re down to the wire now. Toss your burners, Marlowe. With just 10 days left, it’s time to erase the history of what got you here and look only in your immediate future. Unless you’re planning to keep Rudy Gay for next year, dump him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
(Today’s post title is for all you connoisseurs of niche comedians from the ’80s.) Stephen Jackson is hobbled, but played anyway. If you have another option, go with it, because Jackson ran up and down the court last night like Pacino at the end of ‘Dick Tracy.’ (Deep cut!) The word out of Northc’alina is that if the Bobcats lost to the Pacers (effectively wiping away their playoff hopes), Stack Jacks would be shut down for the season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Durant may miss a couple games after snapping his balsa wood ankles. I’m not sure what the big worry is here with his ankles, this stuff happens to Derek Fisher, like, twice a game. That joke was lifted directly from “Tosh.0,” but I’m tired and I didn’t want to make another joke about James Harden‘s greasy beard.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Admit it, despite the fact that San Antonio’s Tony Parker hasn’t missed fewer than 10 games in any of his previous three seasons, you thought you were going to make it through 2011 with an almost completely healthy Tony Parker. What’s next?Please, blog, may I have some more?
This time of the year is always bittersweet. Shuffling up the collective deck of players and dealing them all over the NBA map is fun and exciting, like the time you see your first boob up close. You’ve spent a lot of time imagining it, then – poof – it’s there right in front of you and you have no idea what to do.Please, blog, may I have some more?