It’s crunch time people. We are in the playoffs and it’s balls to the wall from here on out. No long intro this week fortunately or unfortunately for you, as my body is still trying to repulse the HPV that Tahitian drag queen gave me in Bora Bora. I can hardly keep my eyes open for you, the readers, I would never leave hanging. Let’s hop right into this past weekend’s hit or miss performances.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Bonjour all, tis I, Tehol Beddict, and I come back to you a new man. A better man. I’m sure many of you sent in hand written letters, filled with panic and despair over my abrupt disappearance , and your fears were justified as my journey almost turned perilous on multiple occasions. Trust that I knew the job was dangerous when I took it, for mankini modeling can turn deadly at any given moment as many a she-male lurk on the stunningly beautiful island that’s known as Bora Bora.
Before my tale involving the treacherous she-males occurred I spent my time off camera helping induce pregnant dolphins into labor, rescuing sea turtles from fish nets, thatching roofs destroyed by a recent hurricane, trying to impregnate a village chief’s daughter and digging a well for the thirsty locals. Yes, Tehol Beddict is a philanthropist as well as being a scholar, poet, mankini model, and a writer. It’s true I wear many hats, but among those is never a jimmy, luckily for the Chieftan’s daughter, who I can now proudly say is expecting come winter.
When saving baby sea creatures one must be wary of the poisonous sea urchin as the only way to stop the pain is by peeing on the wound. Giving golden showers to tourists is now one of my greatest passions after this trip. I shall never forget the joy of easing a tourist’s pain by blasting his face with a powerful stream of urine. You must be precise in these matters and my aim stuck true. The locals worshipped me for these feats and told me they had only read about piss with such potency in tales about the Gods they worshipped thousands of years ago before they were overtaken by the pious French. But this is a tale for another day my friends for I did battle with some of the most powerful she-males of Bora Bora , nearly losing my life in the process, and that story takes precedence.Please, blog, may I have some more?
One of the many amazing things here at Razzball, for your perusing pleasure, good reader, is the amount of content you’re provided with every week by adequate (me) to great (everyone else) writers. The difficulty is that there is going to be some overlap. I mean, there are only some 400 players in the entire league, and many of them aren’t fantasy relevant. Feel free to request in the comment section if you want a hard-hitting fantasy break down of the merits of picking up Cartier Martin or Garrett Temple, but for now, if you see some of the same names from JB’s, ChrisV’s, Blairtch’s, or Tehol’s articles, is because they are awesome, and I can’t stop them, I can only hope to contain them…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Why do deer like salt licks? It’s one of the longest pondered mysteries in the world. Ok, that’s not true at all after I asked Jeeves. According to Wikipedia (I know Mrs. Hanson, I can’t use it as a source but this isn’t a research paper, bitch) “A mineral [salt] lick is natural mineral deposit where animals in nutrient-poor ecosystems can obtain essential mineral nutrients.” Parallels! Those poor Milwaukee Bucks were having such nutrient-poor fantasy lines and highlights of late and just needed some salt to lick. Easy, “that’s what she said” guy (you know if you are). The Bucks had three plays in the Sportscenter top 10! Fantasy wise, Monta Ellis hadn’t scored 30 in 2013. Brandon Jennings hadn’t scored more than 11 in his last four games. J.J. Redick hadn’t scored more than 16 or hit more than 2 threes in a game for his new squad. And Larry Sanders hadn’t… Well he’s been playing awesome, and was awesome again last night. Let’s look at their lines and the rest of fantasy basketball’s noteworthy performances last night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So one of my favorite directors, Darren Aronofsky, is working on a new movie Noah that is going to come out some time in 2014. Yeah, it’s about the dude in the “we’re gonna need animals in this boat”, not “we need a bigger boat.”. Russell Crowe is going to be Noah. Hmmmm. Did you know “hm” can be played in scrabble and Words With Friends? Man, did that grind my buddy’s goat. I don’t know how I feel about this new Aronofsky outlet, especially with a budget reported at $130 million. That’s a lot of water tanks. We all saw what happened to Waterworld. Producer Scott Fanklin said “…we stayed very true to the story and didn’t really deviate from the Bible, despite the six-armed angels.” Mind… Blown… Speaking of six-armed Angels and Noahs, Joakim Noah was downright swatty last night, racking up 11 Blocks against the 76ers. Although I guess Noah would be a six-armed Bull. Something like a mix between Goro and Motaro. Hey, that might actually be a step up looks-wise. Animality! Noah’s final line of 8/12 FG 23 Pts 21 Rebs 1 Ast 3 Stls and 11 Blks gave him one of the sexiest triple-doubles since three Baywatch lifeguards ran to my aid after a jellyfish stung my tooshie. Here’s what else happened around the NBA last night:
Sucker Punch! Another reminder to like us on Facebook as all our sports have melted into one hard-hitting Fantasy hub that stings like a butterfly and flies like a bee. OK, maybe I got that wrong, but it’s something like that… Once you follow, you’ll spontaneously outburst in dance in costume and merriment.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Every year, there’s a handful of guys that are waiver wire whores and bounce back and forth between owners for spot starts. It’s like the freshman co-ed dorm; you feel entitled if you’re the first to have one of em riding your roster, but then you feel dirty if you claimed them next. Enter Jarrett Jack, who before settling into his probable NBA 6th Man Award role, got run off the bench, then a few starts, but never those solidified minutes. A shoulder injury a few weeks back had the last round of owners jumping ship, but since returning he’s finally ready for a long term commitment. So what if he gave rival owners a little handsy here and rub-a-dub there? Time for everyone to lock him up Elizabeth Smart style.Please, blog, may I have some more?
You want an early buy (or a repeat)? Throw down some nickels and make a purchase of one Tyler Zeller. His 16 points yesterday were the first since January 19, but the 9 rebounds, 4 assists and a block were not out of the ordinary. He’s had a block in five straight games, is averaging 7 rebounds in the past six games, and has 3 or 4 assists in four games this month. I wouldn’t own him for offense, but he could help you in many other ways. Let him inspire your fantasy team! WAH…TUH!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Martell Webster continues to light the east coast on fire from downtown, while much of the coast is being covered in snow. That Webster is so hot right now! Friday night, he scored 16 points, adding 4 rebounds, 2 assists, 3 steals and hit 3 shots from the arc.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kyle Korver was unstoppable Friday night, leading Atlanta to a huge 2OT win with 27 points, including 8 3-pointers made, 6 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 steals and 2 blocks. The Korv started his second game in a row in place of Anthony Morrow, and again he took advantage. He was actually calling for the ball in this one too, dude was absolutely en fuego, hashtag could not miss (did I do that right?).Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have a dream. A dream that all men and women, representing every race in this marvelous world, will one day unite and make Razzball the most popular website in history. A dream that I will become America’s most infamous fantasy sports writer.Please, blog, may I have some more?