Telling you to go full throttle on Marvin Williams is like telling you to go rent “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle” on Netflix. Both are stuff from the mid-2000s, both will excite you for a second but ultimately leave you feeling shallow and empty for even that momentary excitement, and both leave one wishing it had more Bill Murray.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Upon occasion – especially while watching the Wizards – I think to myself, “Self? You could do better than these guys, right? Sure, you’re not as tall as most of these guys and you have trouble going to your left, you tend to get wheezy after just a couple laps up the court, your sweat makes people not want to talk to you, you choke on the gum you’re chewing 3/4 of the possessions, and your on-court communication consists mostly of reciting lines from ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ but still, the Wizards are awful.” Now I know you think it’s weird that I address myself as Self, but if I didn’t do that how would I know who I’m talking to?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wade’s out. Rip’s out. Stuckey’s out. Tyrus is out (again). Thornton My Side was out. Lawson is day-to-day. Hawes slammed his back and left after 10 minutes last night. Curry remains out. Beasley’s status was downgraded. Granger went from missing time due to food poisoning to foot poisoning,  marking the first typo-related injury in NBA history.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The fact that Ricky Rubio still isn’t the starting point guard of the Minnesota Timberwolves is only batshizz crazy until you dump water over your head and remind yourself that this is the Minnesota squadron that couldn’t find a regular spot in the starting rotation for Kevin Love in his first two seasons, despite him never having a PER under 18 at any point during that time.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

(Today’s post title is for all you connoisseurs of niche comedians from the ’80s.) Stephen Jackson is hobbled, but played anyway. If you have another option, go with it, because Jackson ran up and down the court last night like Pacino at the end of ‘Dick Tracy.’ (Deep cut!) The word out of Northc’alina is that if the Bobcats lost to the Pacers (effectively wiping away their playoff hopes), Stack Jacks would be shut down for the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?