It’s crunch time people. We are in the playoffs and it’s balls to the wall from here on out. No long intro this week fortunately or unfortunately for you, as my body is still trying to repulse the HPV that Tahitian drag queen gave me in Bora Bora. I can hardly keep my eyes open for you, the readers, I would never leave hanging. Let’s hop right into this past weekend’s hit or miss performances.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Lipizzan horse breed dates back to the 16th century and they are the most breathtakingly graceful creatures young Tehol has ever laid eyes upon. Purebreds are known for being whiter than the purest Columbian blow and their massive members. Some have even said that a few of the grandest stallions had testicles that almost dragged on the frozen tundra of Slovenia (which is where they hail from) during mating season. Now comes the truly intriguing part: I have always held a high interest in genealogy, or was it gynecology? Anyway, the way Chandler Parsons has been playing this season has truly been a mind altering experience. He’s white and he’s American, two things that don’t mix with NBA basketball. This drove me to spend countless hours in the library and on the internet digging deeper than a coal miner, so that I could find Parsons true heritage (calls to his agent were not returned). After a month’s supply of caffeine pills and countless rockstars I was able to finally piece it together: this man is part Lipizzan! You see, his distant relatives started the first Lipizzan stud farm and kept it in the family for centuries along with a very little known secret. Now remember, these stallions had an insatiable thirst for ejaculation, so sometimes it was necessary to “milk” them. The idea first came to Bogdan Parsons in September of 1678; He would take this extra horse jizz and, mix it with his own and inseminate his betrothed. Now, you realize this would be difficult since it needs to be squeezed in at the same time in able for traces of the stallion’s spunk to take. Imagine jerking a horse off along with yourself at the same time. What timing! Young Bogdan mastered the art of stroking a few months later, timing it perfectly then impregnating his wife. A son was born. An incredibly strong son who grew to be as stronger than anyone in all of Europe and he was hung like, well, a horse. The rest, as they say, is history.
Parsons has finally reached stallionhood and is no longer a yearling, or a gelding like many of his relatives thought when he underwhelmed at the University of Florida. Last night Parsons dropped 32 points, 3 boards and 3 assists, while only missing one shot from the floor. Parsons is real. The research is real. Tehol Beddict is real, and this what else I witnessed last night in the NBA.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chandler Parsons had a good night, and you can trust me because it would be rude to lie. Everyone’s favorite or second favorite male Friends character, Chandler finished with 21 points, 8 rebounds, 9 assists, a steal and a block. He’s like a mini LeBron!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Isaiah Thomas got the start Friday night and scored 11 points with 4 assists, a steal and three 3-pointers in 29 minutes. The move to start him actually makes logical sense, which is strange since we’re talking about the Sacremende Kings here.Please, blog, may I have some more?
People had grown increasingly frustrated with Robin Lopez. With Anthony Davis back, he saw a mere 15 minutes the day before, and in the past week, he was only averaging 7.5 PPG and 3.3 RPG. Well, Davis finished with 16/5/0 and a block while Lopez earned 22 points, 9 rebounds, an assist and 2 blocks.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jared Dudley did right in Phoenix last night, scoring 22 points and adding 4 rebounds, 5 assists, 3 steals with 2 3pm in 43 minutes. The 22 points were a season high, and after starting the season looking kind of like a Dud-ley, the past two games he’s looked sort of Stud-ley (hey that’s the headline!).Please, blog, may I have some more?
Pau Gasol and the Lakers have had a train wreck of a season so far. Pau is seeing nearly all his numbers being below career average (12.6/8.9/3.5/0.5/1.2 with 42% FG and 76% FT) and having “knee tendinitis” to boot. As such, I had to move him down in the tiers because you can’t be a Victoria’s Secret model with those type of numbers.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Admit it, your palms were getting sweaty when you saw Jeremy Lin come off the bench the other day. He had 7 or fewer points in the prior 5 games. You felt a little ill. “I need some ginger ale,” you tried to say, but your voice was raspy.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paul George came into the season with some massive hype, including some by yours truly. Then Danny Granger got injured and the hype ballooned even more. The only problem was that the balloon was filled with carbon dioxide (CO2 for you nerds) and not helium.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s been the Kobe Bryant show over in LA and will remain that way until Steve Nash comes back. This is an extremely small sample size but Pau Gasol arguably had his best game this year when Nash was handling the ball (the first game of the year!).Please, blog, may I have some more?