Mickael Pietrus went 16/7/2, as he got the starting nod at PF with O’Neal and Wilcox both out. It was one of those douchey bro-nods, too. Like the kind two frat guys might give one another in passing. I don’t really want to talk, but I DO want to acknowlede your existence, so I’m just going to tilt my head up quickly and then back down. Then you’ll do the same. Then we’ll move on. That’s the kind of nod Pietrus got for the starting PF spot tonight, because that’s the kind of nod French people deserve. As long as the Celtics’ frontcourt is decimated like this, all available Celtic bigs should be owned. The more Celtics that are healthy, however, the less valuable they all become. And in case you were hoping this was a Mickael Pietrus-only blog, it’s not. And that’s a weird thing for you to hope for. Here’s some more fantasy basketball from last night.
Kevin Garnett – Returned from personal shizz to a Celtics team dealing with personnel shizz. He played 38 minutes and ended with 23/13 and a pair of blocks. Cagey is 47 years old and should not be doing anything for 38 straight minutes.
Kendrick Perkins – Ended with 8/10 and a block before fouling out. Those were hugs, ref! Boston is his home and the Celtics are his homies.
Rodney Stuckey – Took two shots (missed ’em both) in 18 minutes. That’s it? If he isn’t hurt, he’s about to be. Someone’s about to give Stuckey the ol’ rod-knee.
Aaron Gray – 12/12/2, with 2 blocks in 30 minutes. “… And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder. One of the four beasts sang and I saw. And behold! A pale horse.” Just a little Old Testament to prepare you for the coming apocalypse that is now so clearly upon us.
Jerryd Bayless – Linas Kleiza‘s knee kept him out of last night’s game, but the newly-healed Bayless swooped in a went 7/2/4, and a block in 20 minutes. When Toronto closes a door, it opens a window, which is surprising considering how energy-conscious all of Canada is.
Trevor Ariza – He shot 0-for-6 last night after having a great game the day before. Why? Because Trevor Ariza likes watching you throw breakable objects hard against non-breakable objects.
Jarrett Jack – 16/7/3 in 30 minutes, while Greivis Vasquez went 13/2/5 in 38 minutes (along with 6 turnovers). Oooo, it’s so exciting. Who’s on top? Who’s the better start? There hasn’t been this must exciting tension since Willis and Shepard in Moonlighting!
Gustavo Ayon – Bravo Ayon! Career-high 17 reebs last night and he’s grabbed double-digit boards in three of his last five.
Tristan Thompson – Double-doubled. It was a weak double-double. It was his second 2-by-2 in three games, but the meat in that particular double-double sandwich was a spoiled 0/7/0, 0-for-5 mess. Think of him as a young Ariza (only without the Zubaz pants and all the Fabolous cds).
Daniel Gibson – Shot only 1-for-9 in his second game back from injury. But here’s the thing. I still suggest you deep leaguers grab you some Boobie, if for no other reason, than because he was allowed to brick eight shots over 34 minutes. He’s good enough to have made at least six. Maybe he will next time.
George Hill – 4/4/3 in his limited minute return from injury. It’s a shame he wasn’t healthier, because Indy’s bench was the pack of mutts and the Bobcats were the t-bone steak they all got to fight over.
Tyler Hansbrough – See 1/8 of an inch above, only disregard the injury portion and also the limited minutes portion. Basically, just pay attention to the Indy’s-bench-got-a-lot-of-burn-because-the-Bobcats-are-in-decay part.
Corey Maggette – He’s scored 22, 18, 16, 10 and 20 in his last five games, which makes you smile until you realize that he shot .500, .353, .417, .286 and .400 to get those points, which makes you lie down on an electrified train track.
Francisco Garcia – 12/5/1, with 2 steals and 3 blocks in his second game playing solid minutes. I’d ignore him. This line came against the Wizards, whose only trick seems to be making good things happen for the other team.
Isaiah Thomas – 18/2/6, with a steal. He was almost completely unowned a week ago and he was the last pick in the NBA draft. You’ll take this and dip it in gravy, you will.
Jordan Crawford – Drilled 32 points on the Kings because Sacramento’s SF is about 6-foot-3 with a bubble butt. The Wizards aren’t good. The Kings aren’t good. Crawford is good, but not THIS good. Add him, but don’t expect this.
MarShon Brooks – 24/5/2, with 2 steals and 4 threes. I’m putting him third on the Rookie of the Year list, fourth if we can count Lin applying the same qualifying playing time rules baseball uses.
Jeff Teague – No assists in 22 minutes. He’s the assist guy. Assists are his main job. Zero assists in a game is like Don Draper skipping ad meetings to make endless copies at the Xerox machine.
Joakim Noah – First career triple-double. I like it more than Skittles.
Drew Gooden – His injury will keep him out until at least after the All-Star Break, but probably a while after that. Mike Dunleavy‘s injury kept him from making more than one shot in nine attempts. Drew’s got the right idea.
Devin Harris – He’s been hotcolding. He went 10/2/8, after playing decently the night before. If he’s anything better than your third-best PG, your team won’t finish anything better than fifth place.
J.J. Barea – 22/4/4, with 5 threes. That line weighs more than J.J. does.
Nikola Pekovic – Basically played on a sprained ankle, basically outplayed Kevin Love, despite basically having no lift (3-for-11 from the floor).
Nikola Vucevic – It’s very difficult to write about two different Nikola’s in two positive ways. It’s a Razzball first and I want you to enjoy it for a moment. Anyway, Vucevic went 18/8/1, with a trio of blocks. Battie and Allen combined for 4/91, with no blocks in eight more minutes. Pekovic is the one to on, but he’s still clunky and will have nights that resemble the combined efforts of “Tovoy Attie’s.”
Stephen Curry – He hurt his foot and left the game. In other news, snow is cold. Also, Sugar Nate and Rush are the adds if Curry annoyingly misses another five games that feels like 20 to his owners.
Kobe Bryant – Shot 3-for-11 after three quarters and had already turned the ball over five times. I mention that because it’s makes me and many others happy.
Lamar Odom – Missed last night’s game due to a family issue. Kloe was hanging curtains and couldn’t reach the high parts.
Chris Andersen – Lawson was out. Nene was out. Gallo was out. RuFer was out. Birdman can’t take playing two games in two nights, so he was out (which makes him a dodo bird, I believe). I’m pretty sure there are no healthy Nuggets left. What I am sure of is, any of the Nuggets remaining – hang on to with dear life.