So this is a blow to your team. Or a blow-ah, if you’re into continuous rhyming patterns. Joakim Noah will have surgery on his thumb that, by most accounts, will lay him low until February or March. Before you continue reading, go grab Taj Gibson. He won’t replace Noah’s output, but he’s probably the best option still available on your waiver wire averaging 11/7 and 1.5 bpg as a starter. Go grab him now. We’ll wait. We’ll discuss the bald spot on the back of Jerryd Bayless‘ head that seems to grow the farther away the TV camera is or something. Are we good? Okay. Noah averaged about 14/12/3 with 3 stl+blk before the injury. That ain’t easy to replace and if we’re truth-tellin’ (and we are) if you could replace Noah completely, you wouldn’t have waited until he got hurt to do so. In addition to Gibson, deeper leagues might want to look to Omer Asik. He’s only playing about 11-12 minutes a game, but with Noah out, he may see 16-20 and average 6/7 with a block and steal. If Asik doesn’t see an increase, James Johnson is next in line. Other than that, cross your fingers that the thumb surgery won’t keep him out 6-10 weeks.
Here’s what else went down last night in fantasy basketball:
Derrick Rose – He a) took only nine shots Wednesday, b) missed six of those shots, c) will probably shoot like this for another game or two until that wrist heals a bit, and d) there is no d. I’m sorry you didn’t like what was said in c, but you can’t just keep adding more letters until you find one you like. That’s a teachable moment. You’re welcome.
Andrea Bargnani – Sat out with a sore left knee as Ed Davis started in his place. Davis earned his first career double-double (10/10). Hopefully the fact that a guy with a tax lawyer’s name grabbed double-digit rebounds will embarrass Bargs enough that he does it more than once every 25 games. Bargnani’s injury doesn’t sound serious, which is good news. Then again, nagging injuries rarely sound serious. Bwahahaha.
Amir Johnson – Hasn’t scored more than six points or grabbed more than five rebounds in four of his last five games. If there’s someone in your league interested in Johnson, get what you can for him sooner rather than later.
Roy Hibbert – After averaging 15.6/9.4 in November, Hibb-Hop is down to 10.8/6 in December. There’s all sorts of benchings and messiness going on in Indiana right now. I wouldn’t try to unload him just yet, but if you can do without his blocks, I might consider benching him until he starts producing again.
Danny Granger – Speaking of messiness: Granger’s averaging 16.3 ppg on .358 shooting in his last seven games. The rest of his stats have been nice, but what kind of sharpshooter averages less than 36 percent from the floor? That’s like a sniper opting to throw grenades.
Gerald Wallace – Missed last night’s game, as Multiplicity apparently can’t walk without a boot. The boot was made for walkin’ / And that’s just what it’ll do / Or else Wallace will be stuck in Memphis eating hotel barbecue.
Dominic McGuire – If Crash misses substantial time, McGuire will take his spot. He went 8/7 last night, but I believe in you and I believe you can find a better replacement than this.
Tyreke Evans – He played? Really? But what about plantar fasciitis, and Luther Head and this three-game road trip? And his brother’s texting? And Francisco Garcia? Yup. I hate the Sacramento Kings.
Spencer Hawes – Aced his second dub-dub in his last five games. He’s also played no less than 24 minutes in that span, whereas it only happened twice in the season’s first 20 games. You Joakim Noah people might want to reread this blurb again.
Jodie Meeks – In high school, we often played the game “Dump, F–k, or Marry.” The game where three possible romantic interests are suggested and you have to choose which one you’d marry, which one you’d screw and which one you’d dump. No one fully explained this to me at first, so I thought the game was called “Dumbf–k or Marry,” where you choose one of three people to marry and the other two were just considered to be dumbf–ks. Retelling this story just makes me sound like the dumbf–k. Anyway, Jodie Meeks is getting dumbf–ked by me from now on.
Semih Erden – Started, played almost 16 minutes. Managed not to jump on Paul Pierce‘s back and damn near cripple himself.
Mo Williams – 1-for-9 from behind the arc. What makes a guy who sinks his first trey of the night and misses his next eight think that what he’s doing is fine. After he went 1-for-4, 1-for-5, why didn’t Mo say to himself, “Hey Mo, pass the rock. It’s for the best.” Nope. Mo was 1-for-5 after four straight bricks and he thought, “Naw. I got this.” Clank. Clank. Clank. He’s 1-for-8 and he thinks, “I’m a shooter. Shooter’s got to shoot.” Clank. Don’t drop him or anything, but Mo Williams is insufferable.
Daniel Gibson – 26/3/4 as he seems to get a rise from playing the Heat. Makes sense. Heat rises. Anyway, Gibson is averaging 33.3 mpg as a starter (six more minutes than he did as a reserve) and only after this game did he start averaging a better line than when he was a reserve. Monitor closely. Or don’t.
Mario Chalmers – Started, or Sartred if you want to be existential about it, and dropped a 14/3/4 line that included four threes. Could be a budding deep league pickup, or it could be that LeBron James pitied him a bit. We’ll know for sure after a few games.
James Harden – I was surprised to find out that Harden ended with a 16/4/4 line in 32 minutes. I find myself uncomfortably mesmerized by his beard and unable to pay attention to anything else but how uncomfortable playing basketball for 30 minutes with that beard would make me. Anyway, he’s averaging +2.4 mpg, +5.2 ppg, and +0.9 apg more in December than in November.
Thabo Sefolosha – 15/9 with two blocks to boot. Golf clap.
Marcus Thornton – Someone spotted Marcus Thornton! He apparently scored a season-high 19 points. He played 24 minutes last night, 15 minutes the game before and no minutes in the previous two games. On a completely unrelated note, Trevor Ariza is terrible!
Tim Duncan – Seven blocks. He might be all done career-besting things, but there’s always time to season-best a bunch of stuff.
Tiago Splitter – Left the game and didn’t return after he contused his right abductor. This is different than when a person confuses his white abductor, which is what I believe the plot to ‘Diffrent Strokes’ was all about, right? Rich white dude kidnaps two minorities, then the kids grow fond of the old coot and he can’t remember why he kidnapped them in the first place : hilarity ensues.
Chris Douglas-Roberts – Was dropped into the starting lineup, then dropped 21 points on the Spurs. Grab him if you need him, but understand that this will probably be one of his 10 best games of the season.
Drew Gooden – 20/11 in 25 minutes. He’s known to do this from time to time. He’s also known to not do this from time to time. Still, he’s not a bad add for those who just lost Joakim Noah.
Corey Brewer – 20/3/3 in 28 minutes. He’s bumped up his scoring average this month from 9.4 to 11.3. This is the best news for Brewer fans since Ben Sheets was traded to Oakland!
Martell Webster – Played 24 minutes and sank three treys on his way to 11 points. I’m still unsure how his playing time will actually shake out because Beasley can’t keep his hands off guys he’s defending. Chill out, Michael Beasley! You’ve amassed 11 fouls in the two games in which Webster has played and it’s impossible to determine how good he is.
Robin Lopez – Returned uninjured. Stayed uninjured. 12/8 in 24 minutes. That’s an improvement from the way we left him a month ago. Noah owners take note: RoLo will fill the “funny hair” quotient of your team.
Channing Frye – Tied a career-high seven threes, all of which came in the second half. I still don’t trust him.
LaMarcus Aldridge – 35/10, 20 of which were scored in the fourth quarter. I sometimes forget he’s even on this team. I’m pretty sure the Mavericks did too all the way up until the fourth quarter.
Brandon Roy – I once had a dog that developed severe arthritis in his hind legs, making it extremely difficult for him to lift himself up. The matter was made even worse by his penchant to sleep on the kitchen tile. It was cool and comforting and he had spent most of his healthy life napping there. He probably couldn’t imagine napping anywhere else. So it was made so much sadder near the end of his life watching him try to raise himself up by his weak, weak legs. He clearly struggled, clearly needed help, but there was just nothing anyone could do for him. It was sad up until the end. Anyway, Brandon Roy had a 4/2/5 line in 30 minutes.