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Every once in a while when my DVR is empty and there are no dead cats in the alley for me to watch the raccoons chew on, I take a slow walk on over to my local post office and do a little pre-holiday shopping for my girlfriend. What holiday? Any holiday. That’s the secret to being a good mate, always be ready for the inevitable day in which you totally forgot to show up for some important occasion; birthdays, bat mitzvahs, the birth  of your second child. Whatever. You never know. The point is, four out of every five street toughs that steal women’s purses off the street, dump the emptied bags into a mail box. So if you walk into the post office in a ritzy neighborhood and ask if anyone dropped your wife’s handbag into a mailbox, the chances of you coming up with last season’s Prada are pretty good. Your girlfriend, “The day’s almost over and you haven’t wished me a happy birthday. Did you forget?” You, “Heck no, honey! I was just waiting for the perfect time to present you with this new handbag.” Your girlfriend, “Why is there a slightly used billfold in here with someone else’s monogram on it?” You, “Who calls a wallet a billfold? What are you, 80 years old? I’m going to bed!” Anyway, the point is that you gotta know where to look to get good stuff on the cheap, or at least know how to ask. Dwight Howard said earlier this week that he wants to stay with Orlando, but will definitely become a free agent instead of signing an extension. That’s how to ask. Now it’s up to Orlando to know where to look to get good stuff on the cheap.

Here’s what else is going on in offseason fantasy basketball:

Yao Ming – His ankle is reportedly only 30 percent healed. He hasn’t played in well over half a year and Yao has said he needs to be at least 80 percent to play. By that math, it’ll be January before he’s 60 percent and April before he’s at 80 percent. By April 2012, he’ll have missed 17 months of basketball and still won’t be 100 percent. I love Yao. Big love for a big lug, but there’s no chance I’ll ever enjoy watching him play basketball again. You know how when someone describes a terrible injury they suffered and you suddenly feel phantom pains in the same area of your body? That’s how I feel just thinking about Yao.

Greg Oden – Geesh! Speaking of guys I cringe just thinking about: Oden won’t test his knee in a game until November. No preseason, no Opening Day, but the worst sign here is that EMOden is being referred to as a client. Nothing good comes from athletes being called clients.  

Baron Davis – Despite reports that Cleveland is shopping Davis and Ramon Sessions hard this offseason, Byron Scott said that Baron Von D. will be his starting PG come Hell or high water next season. This suggests that a) hell already came, and Cleveland is hoping to see what high water is like, b) Scott might not have any idea what he’s talking about, which would be totally fitting for this franchise, c) Kyrie Irving won’t be worth a whole lot fantasy-wise next season until Davis injures himself in January, and d) I don’t have anything else, but I didn’t put “and” before “c)” so I felt I had to keep going. That’s my bad.

Ty Lawson – The Nuggets want Tyny Lawson to shoot more next season. He shot the ball 11 times a game last season and we loved him for it. If he shoots more than 14 in 2012, I’m tattooing “Tyny” on my junk. Wait … let me rethink this one.

Danilo Gallinari – George Karl said he expects Gallinari to “get more responsibility” next season. I’m assuming this means he’s getting put on dish duty. Look for the Rooster to have dishpan hands come December.

Brad Miller – Had microfracture surgery on his left knee a couple weeks back and won’t likely return to the court until January, which is great news if you’re Chuck Hayes and terrible news if you’re a squirrel within shooting distance of the front porch swing Miller will likely be relegated to ‘Rear Window’-style all autumn. You may go back to planning on not drafting him.

Chris Kaman – After jabbing the Caveman by stating it was making DeAndre Jordan the priority at center next season, the Clippers followed with the “Oh-yeah-we-are-also-interested-in-acquiring-Andre-Iguodala-for-Kaman” flurry of punches. Kaman’s a lame duck in L.A. He’s like Misha Barton, only prettier. On the bright side, Boston needs some meat in the middle because…

Nenad Krstic – Signed a two-year deal with CSKA Moscow. I’m telling you this because otherwise you would never have known.

DeShawn Stevenson – Arrested for public intoxication. I really hope someone called the cops and that the cops asked if the man they were calling about had any distinguishing marks. You know, like a large mole, birthmark, or tattoos of Abraham Lincoln on their jugular?

  1. I usually expect to see fading athletes play in Europe when it’s hockey, but I don’t see a lot of that with basketball. I know it occurs. I think I read some article or book about an American playing basketball in Spain. It’s not as catchy as “An American in Paris,” and there’s less dancing, and less fun, too, probably. We put up a lot of mediocre numbers, but they weren’t terrible. I wonder if that will make him a beast in eastern Europe, like when Tom Selleck played baseball in Japan.

  2. Adam

    Adam says:
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    @ChrisV82: I think the Euro rule of thumb with former NBA players is that they have to be losing their hair in an abstract pattern.

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