When Glen Davis went to the pre-season Magic weigh-in, the trainer was like, “355 Big Baby, really?” “These hips don’t lie!” And in a very full slate of games last night, we had two pretty premiere big men have their hips not lie and go out on them. “Help I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” The NBA to start issuing players life alerts to wear around their necks. DeMarcus Cousins was the first to succumb to the AARP ailment. Suffered a left hip flexor, but coach Mike Malone said it probably wasn’t serious. Destiny is like, “wait a ‘left’ hip? I thought, like, for people we had only one hip!” No child left behind fails us yet again. Good thing it’s the All-Star break for Boogie! An All-Star Boogie! Dude, that should totally be an event. Breakdance Horse! Hah. Then Derrick Favors went out and re-aggravated his right hip that had caused him to miss games here and there over the past month. This one is a lot less bueno. But hey, DeMarcus and Derrick have a pair of healthy hips! If only they were siamese twins – they’d get, like, 35 rebounds a game. Favors will likely get an MRI and be brought along very slowly since this is a re-aggravation. Enes Kanter to the rescue! Might get some solid run and deserves love in a lot of leagues. And don’t sleep on Rudy Gobert in deep leagues if you need some blockage. Speaking of blockage, look at some of the traffic photos of NC from yesterday. No one learned from Atlanta! And the best basketball game on the slate, UNC-Duke, cancelled. Travesty. Let’s get this global warming going again! Here’s what else I saw last night in fantasy hoops:
Nick Calathes - Sergeant Alopecia with the rainbow! 12/5/6/4/2 in 37 awesome minutes with only 2 TOs. Remember when I said he was a must-start yesterday? Hopefully thou heeded thy word! Mike Conley looks to be back right after the break, but hopefully you were able to ride St. Nick like a Blitzen.
Trevor Ariza - Don’t you hate it when a guy has a season-best game on ya? Well welcome to my REL night where I had three guys against have season bests last night! First was Ariza with a franchise record 10 threes that had the Hibachi Gilbert Arenas walking around the YMCA with an itchy trigger finger. “It’s just something about locker rooms!” But on top of Ariza’s treys, 32/11/3/3/1 in a near rainbow. In a shortened week, won a lot of people their H2H matchups.
Gustavo Ayon - REL killer number 2. 18/10/3/1/0 shooting 9-11 in 31 obscenely efficient minutes. Actually was the game-high scorer for the Hawks. Like Gus in Breaking Bad, I want to bomb his face off.
Ronny Turiaf - Season killer number 3. I needed a solid win to start my momentum for the playoffs, and Turiaf’s 3/11/3/0/4 from a guy that wasn’t even playing a few weeks ago is the nail in the coffin. Although, I have been saying for a few weeks now he’s a widely available source of blocks. BlockNOF!
Paul George – “Enough ranting about your teams JB!” Fine! Then how about a guy on none of my teams because I didn’t want to use a first round pick on him. That has proven to be, well, not really wrong or right. Bad game last night for George’s standards for a decent 12/7/2/1/1, but shot 4-17. Then again, I would’ve drafted Marc Gasol ahead of George according to my ranks… So there’s that…
Marc Gasol - Speak of the devil! Re-aggrevated his knee in some fashion and sounds a little scary. Navigating Gasol’s knee issues this year has been like navigating Pan’s Labyrinth.
George Hill - 14/2/5 with three treys and that’s actually his worst game in the past four. Which is saying something given his disappearance this year. Be sure he’s not scooped up if you need any PG help.
James Johnson - Well, one game after loving on the bigger minutes vs. Tayshaun Prince, JJ gets 22 to Prince’s 35. Well, crap. 4/3/2/0/3 in his typical multi-cat, and while nothing was new in this game, if Gasol misses a lot of time, JJ could possibly start at the 4 with Zach Randolph moving to the 5. Or at least JJ has a lot more upside in more minutes. A must-own in all leagues right now – Gasol was back to his mid-30s a game pre injury and those minutes will have to go somewhere up front. JJ is the best bench option.
Kyle O’Quinn - Another 3 blocks off the bench. BlockNOF!
DeMarre Carroll - Sat out with a bad hammy. The All-Star Break will heal all wounds.
Jonas Valanciunas - Shot 1-9 from the field. His shot chart must look like his pubic region when he hits up the Lithuanian brothel. 2/14/0/0/1, still boarding pretty well, but sadly his stats look like 2010-11 Reggie Evans lately. Yikes.
Marco Belinelli - Was all over the place like a runny tomato sauce on a veal parmesan. 16/11/8 in a near trip-dub. Here’s a board and a cross court dime back-to-back! In his past ten, he only grabbed 5 boards once and never topped 3 dimes. So this was a big anomaly, that said, he has a place on 12-teamers needing some points and a decent contribution in treys… I’m surprised he’s only 17% owned.
Jared Sullinger - Boston did not go to Jared this Valentine’s Day. Only 18:31 and not in any foul trouble with only one personal. 4/7/0/0/0 shooting 2-9 and the nightmare continueth in Jared’s inconsistency. But I think you gotta hold.
Jerryd Bayless - 25 minutes and settling into his swing 1/2 role fairly nicely. 11/5/9, shot an efficient 5-7 after going 2-14 his last two games, and 6+ dimes in three straight. Deep leagues could do worse than the headband.
Tristan Thompson - Slim look out, it’s raining TTs! 25/15/1/0/0. Like mama used to make…
Anthony Bennett - 15 minutes of 2/2/0/1/0 with a TO and shooting 1-4. Yeah, why I wasn’t excited about Bennett.
Josh Smith - 18/10/3/0/4. It’s time for… “Where did Josh Smith hurt you!?” 7-15 FG, sure that’s fine, 2 TOs, eh, you’ll take it, 3-6 FT… There it is! We have a winner!
Andray Blatche - 13/5/0/1/1. TT is better! This bet has been so up and down.
Paul Pierce - Near rainbow! 25/4/2/2/1 going 5-5 from deep, 9-11 from the field, and no TOs. Boston fans shake their heads…
Jimmer Fredette - Give it to Jimmer! Damn, I dunno how many times I yelled that during March Madness a few years ago. 24/0/2/2/0 shooting 6-8 from deep. Finally he’s a ThrAGNOF! Still uncertain if he’ll even have a role game-to-game, but solid 27 minutes last night.
Amar’e Stoudemire - 37 minutes for the has-been. 20/8/1/0/2 in a solid line, but 6 TOs. Shot 10-15, had a good game, yet the Knicks still lost to the Kings… Couldn’t handle that elite Fredette kid!
Bradley Beal - After the career-high last night, 20/4/5/2/0 with 4 treys in a solid line everywhere except the 8-24 shooting. His Achilles Beal.
James Harden - Shot 8-14?! Efficient beard! 35/6/6 with three treys and that gorgeous 16-16 FT. Had been in a semi-lull, so this is a good one to end on before the ASB.
Zaza Pachulia - No John Henson or Larry Sanders like we opened with yesterday, and Zaza was a boring 8/7/2/0/0 shooting 3-11 in 38 starting minutes. I think Zaza can be better if the other Bucks bigs are still out post-ASB. So in deeper leagues I’m holding for the time being if you picked him up and needed the big man juice.
Nate Wolters - Near rainbow? What the hey?! 14/6/7/1/2 in a really solid 33 minutes with only 1 TO. Creeping up into 14-teamer territory. Aka, the state of South Dakota…
Brandon Knight - Led the Bucks in 45 minutes as it should be. Shot a decent 8-17 for 22/2/9 with 0 TOs. Coming together pretty nicely and still has the ability to go off here and there.
Alexis Ajinca - Every time I watch the Pelicans, the big 7 foot Frenchman looks like he could be Anthony Davis’ dad. Which isn’t a bad thing. Slower and less explosive, yes, but bigger and can shoot mid-range. 7-7 last night for 16/9/3/0/1. With no center depth due to injuries, he could go on a little run if he channels his fatherly instincts.
Luke Babbitt - I have a feeling he will be the face of the “ThrAGNOF Times” after the ASB. 10/5/1 last night, two treys, nothing special but did play 27 minutes. The Pels need someone who can shoot and Babbitt sure can hop around the perimeter.
Randy Foye – This is more the Randy Foye I’m used to remembering. 10/1/4 with an absurd 8 TOs.
Evan Fournier - With no Ty Lawson, big minutes for Frenchy! 13/5/1 with a trey and 3 TOs. The Nuggets were just awful in this one, but love the 33 mins!
Ricky Rubio - 11/1/12/7/0. This is more the Rubio I’m used to remembering!
Chase Budinger - Looks like he’ll stick in the starting line-up for some ThrAGNOF value. 12/1/1/2/0 shooting 4-13 but 3 treys. “He looka like a ThrAGNOF!”
Kevin Love - Took a break from the ESPN coffee cart to give fantasy owners a near trip-dub. Love is in my stats! “Why is the sports section pages stuck together?” …ummmm…
Alec Burks – Either scores 20+ or single digits. It’s fool-proof. This was against the Sixers, so obviously a 20+er.
Gordon Hayward - Rainbow cha-ching! 17/7/7/2/3. Shot 3-17 though. Another night of labradoodles from Gordon! I guess you can’t trust the Gordon’s Fisherman… For FG% that is!
Marvin Williams - A preposterous 14 boards. I mean, he’s grabbed some dub-dubs here and there, but funny since no one else on the Jazz had over 7. Cherry-pickers!
Michael Carter-Williams - This game had rainbows times deux! 19/5/8/2/3. A +19 while no other Sixer was more than +5 in +/-. Obviously the Sixers future. Which is why they’ll bench him later on!
LeBron James - An assist away from a trip-dub going 36/13/9 with a game-winning trey. “Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!” (Sportscenter theme)
Mario Chalmers - After a dud where Mario got run over by a turtle, got the fireball this game for 12/1/7/2/0 with two treys in the kind of line that should be typical for him here on out.
Draymond Green - What is the most prominent color in a rainbow? Green! 8/8/2/2/3. Loving the multi-cat in another start with Andrew Bogut still out. Not setting the world on fire, but 4 straight usable games and is only 1% owned. We are the 99%! #OccupyDraymondGreen (that hash tag sounds all sorts of wrong)
Robin Lopez - I said yesterday he’ll be back in 6/7/0.5 range in a two-week lull when he’s cold again. 12/6/1/0/0 last night. He’s on his way!
Blake Griffin - Pretended the Blazers were Justin Bieber. Smacked the shit outta em. Hah!
If you’re in the path of this snowstorm, what the hell winter?! I can’t remember anything like this as a good ol’ Southern boy. Well, my parents are from the North, I’m not really Southern… My snow shoes today were old basketball high tops… Don’t got no snow boots! Ok, maybe Southern… Hopefully everyone had better luck in their matchups last night than I did and don’t forget to stream tonight in the last games this week!