There are times in one’s life that real words just aren’t good enough. Like farfegnugen. Or schadenfreude. Basically, verbal term that came from Northern Europe or Germany was probably created because someone slammed a hammer into their thumb. But that’s why it’s awesome. Because it’s appropriate.
Well, sometimes no real word can describe Charlie Villanueva’s face or Shawn Marion’s jump shot. Sometimes, fake words and terms are the best around. Nothing’s ever gonna keep this fantasy basketball glossary down, so please love it like you would a distant cousin or the neighbor you gave a spare set of house keys to.
If you’ve got your own glossary suggestions to drop on us, go ahead and leave ‘em in the comments and we’ll update it as we go.
7 ‘n’ 7 – If you’re 7-feet tall and average fewer than seven rebounds, you have a major flaw in your game. Don’t shake your head no, Andrea Bargnani, you know it’s true.
The 86ers – A team whose coaching staff is clearly working without a gameplan. Named after the 2009-10 Philly squad that rotated its talent with neither rhyme nor reason thereby completely cutting off any chance for the young squad to develop. See also: The Toronto Raptures.
Benchslapped – A player’s been hurt or under-performing, so you bench him until he turns around, then drops a 30/10 double-double the next game out. So you put him back in your lineup and he shoots 3-for-19. This will happen if you own anyone from the Pistons.
Cripple-double – A double-double with double-digit turnovers as a kicker.
Flux Capacity – When the status of a player or the circumstances surrounding a player are questionable enough that it hurts a player’s potential worth, that’s exceeding the flux capacity.
Frailblazers – The 2009-10 Portland squad that saw only five of its players play at least 72 games. The term can be applied to any team that finds its season ruined because of numerous crippling injuries.
Freak Leak – When a player absolutely crushes a specific stat only to return to his normal averages one season later. Biggest Freak Leaker: Gerald Wallace. He went from 7.8 rbds in ’08 to 10 a year later. There was also 2005 when he led the league with 2.5 steals per game and now averages 1.5. Or that same year when he blocked 2.1 shots per game and hasn’t done better than 1.1 bpg since. Or 2008 when he shot .804 from the line after six consecutive seasons without hitting .700.
Ignorambis – Any coaching or management staff making boneheaded personnel decisions despite everyone around them telling them not to.
IYACYOC – “If You Ain’t Cookin’, You Oughta Clean.” In other words, if you’re not scoring the basketball, you’d better earn your keep by grabbing rebounds. I’m lookin’ at you, Drew Gooden.
Jrue Story – Fantasy Basketball version of “true story.” “Ray Allen shot the ball only three times in 34 minutes (the fewest attempts in 30+ minutes in his entire career) and none of them went through the hoop. He said after the game that he wasn’t happy with the ball movement last night. Mostly because the ball never moved anywhere near him. Jrue story.”
LMAO – “LaMarcus Aldridge Off-night.” Dude shot .420 or worse from the floor in 21 of his 78 games in 2009-10, which is maddening when he’s your starting PF.
Marlos Affinolli – Frequent Razzball commenter Quintero defines this as “an undesirable shooter who only contributes modestly in PTS, 3PTM, and STLs.” Named after some combination of Marco Belinelli, Carlos Delfino, Arron Afflalo or any other player whose last name sounds like a type of recliner.
Rejectsplosion – A team with three or more players that all play roughly the same position, all put together solid fantasy lines for a week, only to get shifted around for one another throughout the course of the season. See: Philly’s Louis Williams, Allen Iverson and Jrue Holiday rejectsplosion from 2010, also known as Kablooey Louis and the Boos.
Rocket Sauce – What an unheralded player slathers all over his body before making a name for himself. Named as such for Houston’s Carl Landry and Aaron Brooks making a huge splash in 2010.
Ronsacked – When a normally reliable player has a horrific night offensively because of the player defending him. The term comes from Ron Artest’s nasty ability to make all-stars wilt like lilies in the desert on nights where he’s guarding them.
Rostisserie – A term given to a roster or lineup position that is in constant rotation throughout the season leaving owners with little or no way to predict a player’s production from night-to-night.
Three-Jerk Reaction – When a normally solid outside shooter keeps chucking up threes in a game despite being in a horrible slump. “Al Harrington went 0-for-5 from the arc in the first half and because of his three-jerk reaction, refused to stop and finished the game 1-for-11.”
Threechange – A seachange is a transformation that occurs gradually over time and when the transformation is complete, the form may look the same, but the substance is different. In basketball, this transformation often manifests fully in a player’s third year – a threechange, if you will (you will). Many players who go on to be superstars hit their stride in their third season.