Upon occasion – especially while watching the Wizards – I think to myself, “Self? You could do better than these guys, right? Sure, you’re not as tall as most of these guys and you have trouble going to your left, you tend to get wheezy after just a couple laps up the court, your sweat makes people not want to talk to you, you choke on the gum you’re chewing 3/4 of the possessions, and your on-court communication consists mostly of reciting lines from ‘White Men Can’t Jump,’ but still, the Wizards are awful.” Now I know you think it’s weird that I address myself as Self, but if I didn’t do that how would I know who I’m talking to? That’s not what we were thinking was weird. So I hooped a little last night and in between bouts of crying and light-headedness, it occurred to me what I had that seemingly most pros lack this season: health and patience. Horford, Bargnani, Rose , T.J. Ford and Lawson all missed games last night. We’re just 12 percent through the season and everyone’s getting hurt in a hurry. I’m healthy and more important, I’m patient. The trick this fantasy basketball season really has less to do with your draft and more to do with your ability to stream. So we’re looking at a teachable moment today, kids. This ain’t the season to hit the FA pool in search of a player who’ll last you the remainder of the year. None of ‘em will. Live for today. Who’s scoring tonight? Who played well last night and should see minutes for the next couple of nights? You have LeBron? Cool. You have Kobe? Hey, that’s nice. But did you grab Shumpert? What about Hawes? Mar$hon? Mullens? Ryan Anderson? These are the names that will show up on more winning rosters this season than your Montas, your Josh Smiths and your Danny Grangers, I guarantee it. Some of you get it already. You know. Day-by-day. Who’s hot today and maybe tomorrow, but forget next week. You’ll have to drop today’s guy next week. We’re looking at the hardest fantasy basketball season in the brief history of fantasy basketball. Embrace it and pay no attention to the weeping that occurs every time I attempt a layup in your neighborhood gym. More fantasy basketball below. Get excited.
Andrea Bargnani – Strained calf. Re-read the introductory blurb in today’s post, then grab Ed Davis.
Leandro Barbosa – Double digit scoring in three straight games, including 24 last night. He’s on a hot streak, and points are all he’s giving you on a hot streak. Not to be uppity, but he’s not giving you enough points to make it worth the effort of your finger clicking his name on the FA page.
Isaiah Thomas – Not sure what’s worse: that Toronto allowed 20/3/6 from rookie Thomas in 24 minutes, or that John Salmons played an additional six minutes and produced about a third of that.
Zaza Pachulia – Got mistaken for Vladimir Radmanovic three times by the Pacers’ announcing crew. To be fair, being called RadMan, is better than being called “BrickSkull,” like he’s always being called in my head. With Al Horford out after hurting his shoulder, both “Radmanovics” are worth an add and will see good minutes.
Evan Turner – 16/7/2 and that’s two solid performances in two nights. One of those performances was against the Knicks, though. That’s like the Rolling Stones bragging about selling out the Garden 20 consecutive nights, when by “Garden” they mean the one in Charlie Watts’ backyard.
Derrick Rose – Sat out last night’s game with turf toe. Soon after the game started, it was revealed that it was a flexion sprain, which is less serious than turf toe. By halftime, it was revealed that there probably isn’t anything wrong with Rose at all except the fact that they had to play three games in a row. This was the closest to an off night Rose was going to get. Dollars to donuts says we see Rose in the next game.
John Lucas – Got all career-high everything in Rose’s stead (25/8/8, in 45 minutes). Let other owners freak out and grab him. He needed 28 shots to get to 25 and he won’t see 40 minutes in a game again this season.
Andray Blatche – Out with a … a, uh … a shoulder injury? He didn’t know Rose was sitting this one out. #HeScurred
Lamar Odom – 6/2/2, with a block in 15 minutes. Okay, okay. Uncle. The Mavs have won three straight and Odom just hasn’t been a part of it. Drop him, but drop him someplace you can find him quickly in case he gets hot. I’m thinking pantry or top dresser drawer.
Delonte West – We’re officially nicknaming him “Misrilou” now. Cool? Cool.
Kawhi Leonard – 11/8, with 2 blocks as he replaced Gary Neal in the starting lineup, who replaced Danny Green in the lineup, who replaced Manu Ginobili in the lineup. It’s a regular rostisserie. What can we deduce from all this? That T.J. Ford will be easier to replace? No. That 8 boards and 2 blocks is a weird line for a shooting guard? No. That Manu is kind of irreplaceable? Bingo.
Kobe Bryant – Hey! Did you guys see Kobe score 40 again last night!?! Yes. We all saw. Earth’s entire population is well aware, thank you.
Devin Harris – 3/2/5, on 1-for-7 shooting. He’s shooting .347 on the season and only averaging 4.5 assists a night. November Adam thought Harris was going to be a good bargain. January Adam agrees … assuming you’re looking for a good bargain on stank crap.
Jordan Farmar – Dropped six threes for a total of 26 without anyone being hurt. Wait. No, no. Deron Williams turned an ankle and got booted from the game. As you were. Stay back ye four horsemen.
Chris Bosh – 7/9, with a block by halftime. He would have had a double-double but totally forgot that Chris Paul was on the Clippers now and was more than a little starstruck.