Many tears were shed on Valentine’s Day, and not because lonely people were curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, a bottle of Pinot Noir and Blue Valentine on Netflix. Danny Granger left the game in the first quarter with a spained left ankle and did not return. LaMarcus Aldridge liked his style and also departed in the first quarter with a left ankle sprain. No news yet on whether either one of them will have to be put to sleep, but you may as well hold tight and pray to as many gods as you can think of to make sure Granger and Aldridge don’t miss a lot of time. You may want to include Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva for good measure.
Amar’e Stoudemire – Returned from a four game absence and netted 21 points with 9 boards. If he was rusty, it didn’t really show, as he was Standing Tall and Talented. There’s absolutely no reason not to continue to plug him into your lineups, unless you are prejudiced against apostrophes.
Jeremy Lin – Linsanity continued with 9-20 shooting, 11 assists and a pair of threes, including the game winner. The Lindustry earned his Lincome with 43 minutes on the Court. That’s how many minutes Eddy Curry has played in the past three seasons.
Linas Kleiza – Somehow managed to miss five of six from behind the arc and four of six from the free throw line, yet still accumulated 15 points. If you put me on the floor for 38 minutes, I probably could have given you something similar. If you’re thinking of picking him up, think of something else, like not picking up Linas Kleiza.
Jose Calderon – Continues on turbo mode. Last night, he gifted his owners 25/11/9 with three steals, a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. Not bad for a guy typically drafted in the 8th round.
Norris Cole – Dropped 20 points on the Pacers but with nothing else to write home about. I mean, really, what would you say? “Dear Mom, How is dad? I’m thinking about doing a double major because student loans are really keen. Also, did you hear Norris Cole had one rebound, three assists, and no steals? That’s basically what he’s done all month. Boring! Anyway, I better wrap this up and drop it in the mail. Give my love to grandma and the rotary phone.”
Chris Bosh – Produced 13/7/1, no blocks, 33% shooting. This follows 8/7/4, 1 block, 37.5% the day before and 14/16/1, 2 blocks, 28.6% the day before that. The Heat have played nine games in fourteen days, grueling even by this season’s standards. Bosh is tired, and you’re going to suffer for it. The condensed season is tearing this family apart!
Rodney Stuckey – Another satisfying performance with 23/4/8. Stuckey on you, I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose. Guess I’m on my way.
Manu Ginobili – All the rust Stoudemire didn’t have was all over Ginobili in his second game back, putting up (throwing up?) 1/2/7 in 24 minutes. Still, the assists are coming, and if you are in need of a guard…well, you could do worse. If he’s still on your waivers, I would grab him in a non-sexual way. If someone else already has him, make passive aggressive comments for the rest of the season.
Ben Wallace – Five boards and nine points in 26 minutes. If you think that sounds about as exciting as wet paper towels, Greg Monroe had six rebounds with four points in close to 22 minutes. If you are over 6’9″, the Pistons would like to talk to you about playing center for them.
Luol Deng – Dished out a career high 11 assists to go along with 23 points, 7 rebounds and a blocked shot as the Bulls rallied to win after blowing a 19 point lead. Adam’s family says he is recovering and in good spirits.
John Salmons – That fishy smell is Salmons’ line of 3/1/2 on 1 of 8 shooting. What a load of carp. He really krilled your numbers if you started him. He hasn’t had double-digit points since February 6th, and he’s basically been a pain in the bass for five games now. I would cast him back and see who else I could reel in off of waivers.
DeMarcus Cousins – Gave his owners a double-double with 28/17/2 with three steals, two blocks, and a three pointer for good measure. It may be wrong to kiss your Cousins, but I won’t tell anyone if you do.
Tyreke Evans – Reminding me why I drafted him by playing just about 42 minutes for a line of 27/8/8, including 8-8 on free throws. If you are into numerology and mystical patterns, 27 is a multiple of 8 (but only if you failed math class in 3rd grade).
John Lucas – If he gets regular playing time, he is worth an add in deeper leagues. His evening of 9/1/9 on 50% shooting during 22 minutes comes after increased floor time the previous two games. I can’t promise you anything (and I won’t!), but any guard getting 20 minutes on the Bulls is good for some assists. He’s someone to keep an eye on if you’re tired of swimming upstream with Salmons.
Kevin Martin – Zero points, one rebound, two assists, one steal. Blech. Double blech! I haven’t seen something that disgusting since I walked into the bathroom after Adam Richman. Martin has no excuse, and I hope he thinks about what he’s done.
Mike Conley – 21 points on 7-of-15 shooting with 3-of-4 from the outside. He had only made 19-of-59 three pointers before Tuesday’s game, and a paltry 3-of-13 for the month. Did Memphis move the three point line closer to the basket?
Kyle Lowry – Played shy of 39 minutes but wasn’t bashful on the court, leading all players with 24 points and six assists. Okay, maybe that’s not super exciting, but if you’re not happy with that then there really is no pleasing you.
Rudy Gay – 20/8/3 as he has been extremely solid for the past two weeks. I wish I could say the same thing about my bowels, but I ate some bad Chinese food the other day. That’s not a joke, it was terrible, much like the Utah Jazz on Tuesday night. Speaking of which…
Paul Millsap – After three games in a row and four in five nights, the Jazz were gassed. Millsap had the prettiest line of the bunch, a mediocre 10/8/3. Utah has two days off, which should allow them to get some rest and come back fresh. Expect an uptick in performance from your Jazz players as they give you some positive notes this Friday.
James Harden – Off the bench, the bearded one netted 22 points on 6-9 shooting with three from behind the arc to go along with five assists. Daequan Cook (8/2/0) should not be taking away time from ol’ Jimbo, but it doesn’t matter. Harden is putting up the better numbers even without the starting job.
Marcin Gortat – Rat-a-tat scored 10 points and nabbed 14 boards, but it comes with the caveat that he had a sickly 31% shooting. Gortat usually has better aim than that, and I wouldn’t put too much into his extra bricks. In any event, you will take the back to back double-doubles and you will be grateful.
Markieff Morris – He decided he wanted to lead the team in scoring and dropped 21 with six rebounds and two blocked shots. Afterward, the Dothraki acknowledged him as the new khal.
Nick Young – He razzled and dazzled his way to a season high 35 points, but didn’t bother to tack on any peripheral stats (0 assists, 2 steals, 3 rebounds) to make it a truly magical night. I expected more from a wizard.
John Wall – Taking note of Nick Young, the Great Wall of Washington scored 29 of his own but added 9 assists to flesh it out. He also managed two blocks for the hell of it. Yes, please and dankeschön.
Nick Batum – Batum followed the Nick Young theory of playing with 33/4/1 and 1 steal. I guess if you are so busy scoring, you can’t be bothered to, you know, share. Fine, I get that, but you’d think if you’re going to be a ball hog you could at least grab some rebounds. Teammate Gerald Wallace managed four boards and 8 assists (and 2 steals!) to go along with 25 points. Gerald has been in the league for something like 100 years, Nick, so take a lesson from a veteran.
Derek Fisher – Three’s a charm, unless your point guard gives you 3/3/3. He continues to be terrible. I’m not sure why the Lakers keep starting him (does Fisher have a photo of Mike Brown wearing a diaper and sitting in an adult sized crib?), but there’s no excuse for you to do the same…start Fisher, that is. Or wear a diaper. Don’t do either.
Josh Smith – You see a line like 15/9/3, two steals and three blocks, and you sit back and smile. For me, I want more. The problem is, Smith can do better. I’m not happy with good; I want great. Like an unreasonable parent, I want his report card to be nothing but straight As. If Smith is grounded for the summer, so be it. I will cut the cords on his XBox 360, wait and see. No buddies, no girlfriends, no car, nothing. He better apply himself, that’s all I’m saying.