The Lipizzan horse breed dates back to the 16th century and they are the most breathtakingly graceful creatures young Tehol has ever laid eyes upon. Purebreds are known for being whiter than the purest Columbian blow and their massive members. Some have even said that a few of the grandest stallions had testicles that almost dragged on the frozen tundra of Slovenia (which is where they hail from) during mating season. Now comes the truly intriguing part: I have always held a high interest in genealogy, or was it gynecology? Anyway, the way Chandler Parsons has been playing this season has truly been a mind altering experience. He’s white and he’s American, two things that don’t mix with NBA basketball. This drove me to spend countless hours in the library and on the internet digging deeper than a coal miner, so that I could find Parsons true heritage (calls to his agent were not returned). After a month’s supply of caffeine pills and countless rockstars I was able to finally piece it together: this man is part Lipizzan! You see, his distant relatives started the first Lipizzan stud farm and kept it in the family for centuries along with a very little known secret. Now remember, these stallions had an insatiable thirst for ejaculation, so sometimes it was necessary to “milk” them. The idea first came to Bogdan Parsons in September of 1678; He would take this extra horse jizz and, mix it with his own and inseminate his betrothed. Now, you realize this would be difficult since it needs to be squeezed in at the same time in able for traces of the stallion’s spunk to take. Imagine jerking a horse off along with yourself at the same time. What timing! Young Bogdan mastered the art of stroking a few months later, timing it perfectly then impregnating his wife. A son was born. An incredibly strong son who grew to be as stronger than anyone in all of Europe and he was hung like, well, a horse. The rest, as they say, is history.
Parsons has finally reached stallionhood and is no longer a yearling, or a gelding like many of his relatives thought when he underwhelmed at the University of Florida. Last night Parsons dropped 32 points, 3 boards and 3 assists, while only missing one shot from the floor. Parsons is real. The research is real. Tehol Beddict is real, and this what else I witnessed last night in the NBA.
Vince Carter– 12 points and 4 rebounds. Carter has utterly destroyed my expectations for him this season and continues to stroke the long ball like Tiger Woods before he got caught banging countless hookers. What I wouldn’t give to see him on a contender right now. But wait, that might make him fantasy irrelevant. I suppose we should just be thankful he’s on a middling Dallas team and has the green light. Never forget!
Chris Bosh– 16 points and ONE rebound. This “I found out my wife got her cakes pounded by half the rappers in the game so I refuse to get any rebounds” thing has gone far enough. Oh wait, Bosh was never putting up respectable rebounding numbers since coming to Miami. ONE REBOUND???? IN THIRTY SEVEN MINUTES OF PLAY!?!? How is that humanly possible?? Bosh more than likely will end up in the Hall of Fame one day based on his number of all-star appearances and probable titles and he should be in the prime of his career right now. ONE REBOUND?? Tis truly nauseating. Man up twinkle toes.
Iman Shumpert– 3 points, 3 boards and 2 assists. Shump-diggity just doesn’t look the same to me right now. Coming off of ACL surgery is no joke and I will wait till next year to truly pass judgement on the boy, but as far as fantasy goes, Shump simply shouldn’t be owned. Abandon ship.
DeAndre Jordan– 7 points, 5 boards and 1 block. Why was Jordan resigned to that colossal contract only to not play major minutes? I watched a good portion of this game and was witness to a two thunderous throw downs and a beautiful post move. I just checked the box score and see that Jordan only logged 16 minutes of playing time. Just looking at Del Negro makes me want to go Latrell Sprewell on him. Seeing some of his coaching decisions have actually pushed thoughts of homicide through my enormous brain. He should be a double double machine but I guess it’s just not meant to be. That is, until Del Negro is not extended this offseason. Trust me, he won’t be. Grab him next year when there is a capable adult coaching the team.
Serge Ibaka– 16 points, 3 boards, 1 dimes, 1 steal, 1 block and 1 strong wack to the genitals of Blake Griffin. I have been patiently awaiting Ibaka’s arrival to all-star level play. I thought this was the year, but I have been made to look a fool yet again. Maybe it’s because Durant and Westbrook take all the shots, but one thing is for certain: This beauty of a beast can ball. He’s extended his range to 3 point territory and on any night could swat double digit shots. I like him to come on down the stretch for his fantasy owners and be a real butt plug. Sorry, I mean spark plug.
Thaddeus Young– 14 points, 6 rebounds, 2 assists and 3 steals. Come forth young Thaddeus and prove to us all your greatness. Young, realistically, is Philly’s most talented player but I doubt he ever reaches his full potential. I am challenging him here and now, in front of the millions of razzball readers, to step his game up game up. For the love of God, can anyone tell me where Lil Jon is???? I want him on the podcast this year. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Emeka Okafor– 12 points, 16 boards, 3 assists and 1 block. Though Meka displays the fleet footedness of a rooted redwood, he has managed to put together a very solid season, especially when considering the limp-dick talent out there at center. Maybe Okafor could teach Bosh how to rebound. ONE REBOUND FOR BOSH?? I can’t get over it.
Tayshaun Prince– 14 point, 4 rebounds, 3 assists and 1 steal. First off, don’t let no one tell you that light skinned brothers can’t wear plaid Tayshaun. Secondly, you’re an inspiration to middle aged washouts, who are well passed their prime everywhere. I actually wouldn’t mind owning this toothpick.
Andrew Nicholson– 12 points and 4 boards. Not much to take from the Orlando game besides the fact that Tobias Harris finally had a terrible game. The Bucks G.M. is probably doing cartwheels right now after getting trashed for letting this young asset go. Sorry Andrew, I almost forgot you were the focus of this section. You know why I almost forgot? Because your game bores the excrement out of me. He should continue to start and put up solid numbers though, but hopefully the Chris Boshian type rebounding numbers soon inflate.
John Salmons– 22 points, 3 boards, 2 assists and 2 thefts. Well, well, well. Look who decided to rejoin the living. The one they call “the fish” has put together some very nice outings in the last week and maybe, just maybe is ready to become a contributing member to the NBA society once again. An intriguing pick up.
Charlotte Bobcats– This is the biggest bunch of rhino dung jammed onto one roster that these eyes have ever witnessed. I studied the box score for hours before deciding that not a one of them deserved to be mentioned in my column. Is this a blog or a column? Who cares, it’s awesome!
Cory Joseph– 8 points, 4 assists and 2 steals. Looks like the former first-round pick Joseph is going to be the starting point guard for the duration of the frenchman’s absence. Parker deserves a lot more than an ankle sprain for boning my boy Brent Barry’s wife, but I’ll just have to settle for this and a first round playoff exit caused by the Lakers. That’s right, I said it. I was pretty shocked that Joseph was still in the NBA and even more shocked to see him starting over the Spurs other options. Worth a flier if you have a bum to drop.
Jason Maxiell– 1 points, 2 rebounds, 1 assist and 1 block. These are the kind of numbers that lead to fantasy player’s suicides, as Maxiell played with the fluidity and grace as one of those Orcs from Lord of the Rings. I mean, even the hobbits could handle those things one-on-one. Can someone explain that to me?
Jimmy Butler– 20 points, 4 boards and 2 steals. Butler has made Luol Deng expendable and has become a decent fantasy option going forward. Actually, it’s probably impossible to find a willing taker for Deng’s contract at this point in time. Remember when the Bulls refused to part with Deng in a possible Kobe trade years ago? Kudos.
David West– 31 points, 7 boards, 2 assists and 2 steals. D-West played with the hunger of a caged lion, released upon the bewildered crowd of circus attendees.The mostly devoured carcasses of the Bulls defenders stunk up the building. Solid player. At this point has to be 3rd or 4th best player on a contender. Interested to see where he lands in the future.
Dwight Howard– 11 points, 15 boards, 2 steals and 1 block. Daaaawight was ok last night, but 11 points? I would hate to have drafted Howard early this year and have had to repeatedly lash myself across the face with scalding hot iron to shame myself for my egregious error.
At last, we’ve come to the end and as usual your comments and thoughts will be responded to as quickly as possible. I will be absent for a week or two due to my chicken and I being removed from the premises of the shack we were squatting in. We are looking for a new home starting Wednesday but I can and will respond until that time. Thanks for reading.