Fantasy Basketball Advice

The big man came through with 28/9/4, a steal and 2 threes. Although, I guess 99% of NBA players are big men, so it’s a good thing I didn’t make you guess who had that line. It was Rudy Gay  all the way! Of course, we know it wouldn’t be Anthony Randolph, who missed 7 of his 8 shots to come up with an embarrassing 4/3/2 line. Starting doesn’t seem to tickle his fancy, as the day before he went 6/5/0. Lame! Randolph wishes he was Gay.

Manny Harris – It’s triplets! For threes, I mean. It doesn’t matter, no one had him rostered, and no one should, so let’s move on.

Antwan Jamison – 0-10 including four misses from downtown. Total line was 3/4/2. He’s been serviceable in April, but this time, Antwan was the one that wasn’t Gay enough.

Tristan Thompson – 12 points and 13 rebounds, but his first double-double since April 8th. Everything in between has been sort of sad, sort of like the Cavaliers, or the city of Cleveland itself.

Jonas Jerebko – The 25 year old Swede had 14 points, the third best on the team behind Tayshaun Prince‘s 25 and Brandon Knight‘s 28. Nothing really to get excited about.

Brandon Knight – He scored 28 points. Remember? I just told you. Specifically, 11-12 from the hardwood including 4 of 5 from behind the arc. Also handed out 7 dimes. Very charitable.

Roy Hibbert – The good doctor double doubled on points (15) and rebounds (13). He has been consistently good all season. In the year: 13 PPG, 8.9 RPG, 1.7 APG, 2.0 BPG. Dwight Howard numbers? No. For a guy drafted with an ADP of 79, you’ll take that with a dope grin and a smattering of good fortune on your faith.

Danny Granger – Danny delivered with six treys. May as well call him meals on wheels. Final line: 24/6/3.

George Hill – 12/4/7, including 2 threes, 1 steal, and 1 block. Every so often he delivers a bundle of assists (5+ five times in the past 10 games). On the other games, he is yawnstipating.

Andre Iguodala – A solid night with 23/7/6, including 3 from deep in three point land. This was easily his best game in April, which has otherwise been lackluster. Tuesday’s game will also allow Philly sports talk radio to discuss whether AI Part Deux should be traded while he has value or traded because he’s a bum.

Spencer Hawes – Off the bench, 12/8/1 plus a block looks good enough in deep leagues, except something doesn’t smell right. Oh, it seems Spencer stepped in five turnovers.

Nikola Pekovic – 16 points on 6-12 shooting, along with 11 rebounds. He wasn’t very good on Monday, but on Saturday he also double-doubled. Worth taking a look at if you need help at Center, but his ceiling isn’t high, like a Hobbit’s hovel.

Jose Barea – 28/5/8 with 3 threes as he reminds you why everyone claimed him off waivers earlier this month

Zach Randolph – 16/11/1 with a block, which is basically his maximum output. I don’t really care for him, but that’s partially due to his weird looking face.

Paul Pierce – 43 points, 17 of which came from the free throw line. I guess everyone wants to hit Paul Pierce, including the Knicks.

Ray Allen – Was not able to play due to an ankle ailment. Given Pierce’s prolific shot scoring, it’s not like Allen would have been able to do anything anyway.

Rajon Rondo – 13/6/13 with the sexy double-double in points/assists. The Celtics as a whole had 21 assists, which basically all went to Pierce.

Carmelo Anthony – Despite all of the Celtics’ efforts, the Knicks still won, thanks in no small part to a 35/12/10 line from Melo. It’s probably a good thing Lin is still injured, because I could see the New York Post running a headline “Melo and Yellow Together Again!”

J.R. Smith – 25/4/6 including SEVEN from downtown. Put it on the board!

Steve Novak – Scored 25 points thanks to going 8-10 from behind the arc. Boston can’t defend shots taken beyond the perimeter, apparently.

Tony Parker – 29 points and 13 assists, but also had 7 turnovers. Dude! Dude. Obviously you keep starting him, but his play has been incredibly erratic, including three games with less than 10 points in April. Dude.

Matt Barnes – 16 points off the bench, including 6 rebounds and 4 assists. He’s an interesting play in deep leagues.

Telling you to go full throttle on Marvin Williams is like telling you to go rent “Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle” on Netflix. Both are stuff from the mid-2000s, both will excite you for a second but ultimately leave you feeling shallow and empty for even that momentary excitement, and both leave one wishing it had more Bill Murray. And speaking of Bill Murray, every day that goes by where he holds out for a better script for “Ghostbusters 3″ is a day that makes “Charlie’s Angels,” “Osmosis Jones,” two Garfield movies and “The Man Who Knew Too Little” all the more baffling. But I digress about Murray’s sudden unwillingness to regress. I’d much rather discuss Williams’ sudden aggression, having gone 16/5/2, with a pair of steals and a three. At this point, most teams still have a guy they’re hanging on to because they haven’t identified a better player to drop him for. Those guys are dumbos. Marvin Williams is a Dumbo, a goofy-looking pachyderm with a certain skill set that can be valuable is used correctly. In short, his  12/5/2, with 2 stl/blk/3ptm, solid percentages and almost non-existent turnovers is the kind of value that a) you need and b) is still available in some leagues. And while we’re talking about elephants: “Larger Than Life.” Also not one of Murray’s best. Here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy basketball.

Ivan Johnson – Career-high 21 points in Zaza Pachulia‘s absence. I’ll upgrade Ivan from “the Terrible” to “the Serviceable,” but 21 points ain’t happening again for Johnson this season.

Ben Uzoh – Shot poorly, but ended with 10 rebounds and 8 assists. It doesn’t look like Jose Calderon will be back on Wednesday, so if you’re in a pinch, add a dash of Uncle’s Ben’s converted uzoh.

Alan Anderson – Not only is he hitting two threes a game lately, he also found a way to maximize your 401(k) savings!

Solomon Alabi – Career highs in points and rebounds (8/9) last night. When a guy’s career-highs don’t really do it for you, neither will owning him. Don’t touch him, man. Or put another way, leave him solo, mon.

Nikola Vucevic – Got the bench seat for last night’s game against the Magic. To be fair, that’s better than Spike Lee’s seat, but not quite as good as Nicholson’s seat. To be fairer than before, instead of taking advantage of Orlando’s lack of size, Doug Collins kept up with the tiny Joneses and went small. Vucevic isn’t going to do much more for you this year. Drop him if there’s another filly catching your eye.

Jameer Nelson – Averaging 16/4/7, with 2 3ptm in the month of April, though his .397 FG% is a bit troubling, especially when you consider he is Orlando’s starting PF at this point. Is he not? The team is getting smaller and smaller, so it’s harder to tell.

Daniel Orton – 6/6, and a block in 24 minutes. Big Baby Davis said he planned on returning tomorrow and the magic kingdom shouted “huzzah!” And if an entire kingdom is jazzed about anything Glen Davis does, calling it the happiest place on Earth really is a legit statement. Anyway, go ahead and feed Orton (and Earl Clark) to the dwarves.

J.J. Redick – Didn’t fracture his foot, and grinned in the face of a Spencer Hawes face elbow. Apparently the only structural damage that can affect Redick is that of this team’s roster. Hold ‘em if you’ve got him, but don’t expect a smooth ride for the final week of fantasy.

Kevin Love – Officially shut down for the season. Unless he’s a Keeper, he’s not a keeper.

Sundiata Gaines – 11/4/7, with 2 steals in place of Deron Williams. Deron’s losses are Sundiata’s gains.

Gerald Green – 15/3/3, with 2 steals and 3 threes. This counts as top 25 value at this point in the season. Pretty much anyone playing more than 25 minutes a game for three games in a row lands in the the top 30.

Kenneth Faried – Stole the ball once last night and blocked two shots. He’s not good for much else, but if you’re close in either steals or blocks and Faried’s available, you best jump on it, Tonto.

Andre Miller – 25 assists in the last two games, but has only scored in single-digits in five of his last six. IYACYOC! If You Ain’t Cookin’, You Oughta Clean.

Kevin Martin – Didn’t play, but he was available to shoot free throws down the stretch. Which is like saying Drew Brees is not able to throw or call plays, but anytime you need a field-goal setter, he’s your man. Speed Racer might be available for tomorrow’s game to shoot free throws in the final seconds of a game, if FT% is the only category you’re focusing on.

Samuel Dalembert – Blocked seven shots last night in place of the peanut brittle that is Carcass Camby. If blocks is your thing, do whatcha wanna do.

Chandler Parsons – 21/3/3, with 3 steals and a block. Quick! No one’s looking! This is when Parsons does his best work. Get him into your lineup and pray that no one in Houston pays attention for the team’s final three games.

Richard Hamilton – 22/5/5 last night and will probably do the same tomorrow against the Cats. You’ve got three games to go, he’s worth a shot.

Jason Kidd – 10/5/6, with four steals and three threes in 45 minutes of a triple-overtime game. This was a fantastic line for the 94-year-old Kidd (that’s one old-ass kid). And the fact that this line was fantastic is why he shouldn’t be owned before the 100th pick in any leagues next season.

Delonte West – I’m pretty sure Misirlou gave Gordon Hayward a wet willy last night and drew a technical foul because of it. That’s such horse hockey. Jason Terry‘s been giving Roddy Beaubois swirlies all season and nary a word has been spoken of it!

DeMarre Carroll – 15/4/6, with a three and a steal. Don’t just do something! Sit there!

Luke Babbitt – Definitely scored career-highs in scoring with 18. Scoring with 18. Eighteen points. Definitely a career-high in points. Eighteen. Four threes. Equals 12 points of his career-high 18. Eighteen points. Four threes is also a career-high. Points. Threes. Hot water burn baby Babbitt. Wapner.

Steve Nash – Returned to action. Never mind that he played well. All you need to know is that the guy you drafted high back in December remains the guy you hoped he’d be in the final two weeks of the season. Raise your hand if you can say that about the other guy you drafted in the first two rounds of your draft?

In case you have been living under a rock, or already lost your playoff matchup and moved on to baseball, LaMarcus Aldridge is undergoing season-ending surgery for a labral tear in his hip. Labral tear? I thought only women could have those. And I also thought the hip was a bone, and that bones can’t tear. Hm, I guess that’s why I am a sports writer and not a doctor. Regardless of my prognosis, LMA will be MIA with no apparent ETA, which will make his owners sign up for AA. You can add Aldridge to the list of superstar players who have let you down during the most crucial point of the fantasy season: Kevin Love, Derrick Rose, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, and Andray Blatche; oh wait, that last one wasn’t right. Hopefully you grabbed J.J. Hickson who has put together four-straight double-doubles (including Sunday’s 10/13/2/1/2 showing) since LMA tore his hip. Joel Przybilla will also see a bump in playing time, but is only useful for some boards, blocks, and a last name to mock. Here is what else went down in the Association on Sunday:

Dwight Howard – I was thinking of making Howard the headliner for this post because he is kind of a big deal. I decided not to because I lead off last week’s post with him, and I like to keep things phresh for ya, slim. Anyways, what originally seemed like a minor back ailment has turned into a 10-14 day kind of affair. Those in redraft leagues can go ahead drop him, or attempt to trade him to the Nets for a couple of tickets to Jay-Z’s next show.

Glen Davis – Big Baby knew he would have big shoes to fill with Howard done for the season; unfortunately, he thought he had to actually wear Howard’s shoes, which were a size too big and caused him to land awkwardly and injure his knee. It was reported that it was only a sprained knee, but he will likely miss the Magic’s next few – if not all – games.

Daniel Orton – The fill-in for Howard’s fill-in had 11 points, four boards, three blocks, and a whopping five steals in 28 minutes. I could lie and say that I have a detailed scouting report on the 21-year-old big man, so I will. Based on the small sample size I can conclude that Orton will average four blocks and five steals for the rest of the season. Okay, he obviously won’t, but he will log big minutes for as long as Howard and that big ole’ baby are out, which could be the rest of the season. Do with that what you will.

Wesley Matthews – Dropped a game-high 31 points to go along with a career-high eight treys. Wowoweewah!

Kobe Bryant – Missed his fifth-straight game, but I could have sworn I saw him take a couple shot attempts from the bench. After the game, Bryant said he would “definitely” be back before the season ends. Normally I would advise you to drop a player who isn’t helping you in the right now, but Kobe-B may be one of the few exceptions where one or two games from him may be worth waiting for.

Pau Gasol – Hit two three-pointers as he is clearly on Team Bynum and not Team Brown.

Matt Barnes – Finished with 11/11/8/2/1 and has been quietly playing well recently. Maybe he just tiptoes when he is on the court. He is one of those players that you put at the end of your lineups that gives you a little bit of everything over the course of the week.

Marc Gasol – Just in case you weren’t satisfied with all these big-name injuries, Gasol went down with a hyper-extended knee in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game. He will undergo MRI tests Monday and you have to wait it out to see if he will return this season.

Zach Randolph – Scored just two points but grabbed 13 rebounds as he continues to come off the bench in favor of Marreese Speights. Why? I don’t know. But Z-Bo should FINALLY earn starter’s minutes now that Gasol is injured.

Delonte West – Put up a combined line of 41/9/8/3/1 over the weekend; still hasn’t returned LeBron’s mom’s phone calls.

Paul Pierce/Ray Allen/Kevin Garnett – The Big Three got to rest their old bones Sunday night. They were spotted at the local senior center playing bingo with Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Tony Parker while singing a remix of Naughty Nature’s O.P.P. “You down with DNP? Yeah you know me!”

Derrick Brown – The Bobcats realized that Byron Mullens sucks, and have been starting Brown in his stead. He has been averaging 34 minutes, 16 points, and 7 boards over his last three. In deep leagues, I’d grab him immediately. In standard leagues, I would pick him up if you need to catch up in points n’ boards.

Jeff Teague – Scored a combined five points and five assists in two games over the weekend. Sunday’s poor showing was due to the fact that the Hawks played the lowly Raptors and didn’t need their starters in the fourth. Usually when a player is given rest, it is after they had a strong game, not a crappy one. If I was Atlanta’s coach, I would have made Teague stay in and also run baseline sprints after the game was over.

Joakim Noah – Dropped a 20-point, 17-rebound dub-dub despite receiving a flagrant foul for being too ugly.

Derrick Rose – Got his mug rearranged on a hard foul courtesy of the hairless wonder, Charlie Villanueva. After the game Villanueva was heard saying that he was just jealous of Rose’s facial hair.

Rodney Stuckey – No longer stuck in a rutney after his 32-point outburst Sunday. He was dropped in over 10 percent of ESPN league’s (which is equivalent to 50 percent at this point of the fantasy year) after his recent three-game slump, so pick him up if he is out there.

Anthony Parker – Unfortunately returned earlier this week, which has dampened the rising star that was Lester Hudson. I just don’t get this. Why would a team with absolutely no shot at the playoffs be starting a veteran guard, who we all know isn’t very good, over an unproven player who has shown some upside? I guess that is why they are where they are in the standings.

Jason Smith – Had himself a 14-point, 10-board dub-dub against the Grizzles Sunday. He is only owned in 4.4 percent of leagues, which is about 95.6 percent below where he should be. This is a guy that I am going to excited about going into next season. This is assuming that the Hornets don’t bring back the albatrosses that are Chris Kaman and Emeka Okafor. I’m thinking Smith could be a poor man’s Kris Humphries come draft day. Now he just needs to find a poor woman’s Kim Kardashian.

Aaron Gray – Still sucks.

Oh, this is not what Kevin Love owners need right now. JaVale McGee elbowed Love in the head and knocked him right out of the game. It was perhaps the most helpful thing McGee has ever done for any team ever. In brighter news, I read that “Kevin Love (head) will not return” and immediately thought Love had been decapitated and they could not find the head. Ultimately, I’m happy that did not happen. In less bright news, Love was concussed and injured his neck badly enough that they kept him overnight. When Love prepares to go head-to-head against the Nuggets, he really goes at it literally. If he misses this week’s two remaining games (and missing one is pretty much a sure bet), you can’t replace him totally. Best to focus on the categories you can remain competitive in for the rest of the week and fill Love’s spot with a one or two-tooled player. Either that or find a dark room to rock yourself gently asleep. Either would be productive in their own way. ‘Sup to you. Here’s what else happened in fantasy basketball last night.

Evan Turner – 6/8/6, in 24 minutes. It’s not quite his pout-y performance from Tuesday, but on the bright side, it’s still less-than-helpful to your fantasy team. It’s Thursday and fantasy basketball is almost over; my bright sides aren’t what they used to be.

Thaddeus Young – A sophisticated basketball writer would compare Thad’s mental state over his last four games (in which he’s averaged 15 pts/ 6 rbd) as compared to his previous eight (7.9 pts/4.5 rbd). The blue-ish milk leftover from my third helping of Lucky Charms suggests that I’m not sophisticated. So Thad’s .531 FG% in his last four is all you’re gonna get. Ride him, but assume he’ll buck you off any day.

Linas Kleiza – Left with a sore knee. He’ll be soreknee missed. Pun!

Alan Anderson – A game after dropping 4 threes and ending with 17 points, your uncle’s tax attorney Alan Anderson dropped another three and ended with 13 points. Any tax attorney worth his fees will tell you that 2.5 threes and 15 points is about 65 percent of Andrea Bargnani‘s production. Desperate deep-leaguers might want to consider Anderson. Then if, after considering him, you decide 65 percent of Bargnani is a bargaini, then go for it.

Jose Calderon – Left Wednesday’s game in the second half after re-aggravating his eye injury. He was told last weekend not to train his gaze on ugly sights for a while, which is an unfortunate predicament for a member of the Raptors because this suggests dude would have to play with his eyes closed.

Aaron Gray – 0-for-4, with  five rebounds in 13 minutes. HE BLINDED JOSE CALDERON!

Ed Davis – His second double-double in as many games. He still earns very little respect among casual fans. I think it’s because of his weak chin. Chicks hate weak chins. And let’s face it, tons of chicks are casual fans.

Ray Allen – Surprise! Ray Allen was scratched from the lineup! Surprise 2: Return of Surprises, it’s 2012 and we care what Ray Allen is up to. Surprise 3: Surprise Harder, Avery Bradley went 7/4 in 31 minutes in Allen’s place. That’s not much of a surprise. Neither is the fact that he’s probably taking Allen’s spot in the next game and is likely available in your league.

Jimmer Fredette – 4/3/1, with a three as he played 23 starter’s minutes. Remember back when we weren’t sure if he’d be a superstar by now or just an all-star? Ah, we were all so young then.

Jason Smith – 22/6 on a 10-for-12 shooting night. They said he tried last night. Honestly, I don’t think he did. Otherwise, how do you explain those two shots he missed?

Al-Farouq Aminu – Started for Trevor Ariza again. He had 7/6/4, with a couple steals which ain’t great, but it’s better than nothing. #ringingendorsement

Eric Gordon – Out with a back injury. Sing it with me! The shin bone’s connected to the knee-bone / The knee bone’s connected to the the back-bone / The back bone’s connected to the side-lines / Because Eric Gordon has been worth-less.

Darren Collison – Out last night with groin pains, Mike Seaver. And speaking of ’80s television, Frank Vogel said he expects Stabbone’s boner to be healthy for Friday’s game. +3 to the one reader who understand what anything in this post means. Anyway, George Hill should have been grabbed on Tuesday.

Lester Hudson – I know we’re all very jazzed about Hudson, but some of you who picked up the week 16 wunderkind might want to look at the 1-for-9 from the arc and 18 turnovers (actually, 6). That’s hurting somebody, more than his 19/6/2, and a block. Think about THAT! Also, in nine years, it’s going to be 2021. Now, think about THAT!

Dwight Howard – Set to return Friday. He could have returned Tuesday, but SVG didn’t want him taking contact. Meanwhile, in Atlanta, they happen to be practicing non-contact defensive drills, so everything is totally cool.

Markieff Morris – 13, 21 and 17 points in his last three. You have about two more games before he goes into another dark period. That was not a racist comment.

Shannon Brown – Dropped four treys last night and everyone salutes him. I drop three trays at the Burger Shack and my boss fires me. Life just isn’t fair.

Iman Shumpert – 16/6/5, with 3 steals. Did he score 16 because he was on fire or was he on fire, so he opted to go ahead and score 16? We may never know unless Imani Shumpere wakes up, announces he’s feelin’ hot, and then does this again.

Ersan Ilyasova – 3/2/0, in 14 minutes. After seven straight games of scoring 12 or more points, the streak of Illy’s ovah.

Drew Gooden – One foul in five minutes. The only thing more sore than Gooden’s back are the owners who thought they’d be able to rely on Gooden throughout the playoffs.

Goran Dragic – The power struggle between Kyle Lowry and Dragic continues. Dragic went went 19/4/7 despite the presence of Lowry. That’s both excellent and steady. I was dumped once for being both. It was one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” deals. I mean, how can you be too excellent and too reliable? The more I think about it, the more I begin to think she was full of it. Being excellent shouldn’t hurt so much. But it does. Just ask Lowry’s ego when Houston starts Dragic in future games.

Andrew Bynum – Thirty rebounds. It’s too bad DeJuan Blair isn’t taller, he might have been able to stop Andrew from flying – ahem – bynum all night long.

Metta World Peace – He scored 26 points. In the last week he’s also scored 19 and 23. The 26 and 23 were his two highest scoring totals of the season. If it were March, I’d tell you to stay away. Because it’s April, I’m just going to assume you know better.

LeBron who? There’s a new star in Cleveland, and his name rhymes with molester. However, don’t keep your children away from Lester Hudson. As a reserve on Tuesday, he played more minutes than anyone else on the team and looked great doing so. In 36 minutes on the floor, he rocked 25 points, 8 rebounds, 6 assists, a steal and a block. Over his last three games, he has 74 points combined. If there’s one knock against him, it’s that he only hit 2 of 7 from beyond the arc. Still, this is elite stuff for a guy owned less than 25% in fantasy leagues. Lester? More like LeStar (which sounds like a Silverhawk).

D.J. Augustin – Started, earned 16/2/11. Kemba Walker didn’t start, went 20/1/2 with a steal. I guess the lesson is to own both of them? Actually, the lesson is to drink heavily and stop trying to figure out any logic or reason to this season.

Anthony Parker – 19 points, including 4 from downtown. That’s nice in a “points and threes only” league.

DeMarcus Cousins – Another spectacular night for the sexiest Cousins I am not allowed to marry: 25/18/3 with 6 steals and 2 blocks.

Jimmer Fridette – 13/3/5 including 3 from beyond the painted hip. I dunno, you know, downtown. By the way, he’s not a foreigner. His real name is James. His nickname is Jimmer. Not Jim, not Jimmy, but Jimmer. The ol’ Jimmer. Yup.

Jason Kidd – 7/6/7 and two blocks. Someone asked if he should keep Jason Kidd on his team. In ten and twelve team league, you can find better than 7/6/7 on waivers, although I do admit the blocks are nice. More importantly, Jason is banged up, and he’s old. And he smells like elderberries. And he’s already joining Lisa Rinna. Oh, yeah Lisa, I’m sure you don’t need them. Just trying them on, huh? The same way I just “tried out” what it would feel like to kiss another man when he was sleeping. Whatever!

Rodrigue Beubois – Booboo came through with 15/5/2. It’s not exactly going to make heads roll, but it will suffice.

Jameer Nelson – I’ve sort of wanted to drop him, but he went ahead and scored 19 with 4 boards and 7 dimes.

Glen Davis – 12/10/2 with 3 steals. For some reason he attempted a three (and missed, obviously). I didn’t see the game, but I’m going to hope he threw it up at the buzzer because there’s really no excuse for him to be taking any shots that far out.

James Singleton – In his 4th game of the year, he came off the bench and nabbed 12 points and 8 rebounds. The game before that, 18/12/3. Before that, 12/9/3. Three’s a charm, pick him up. Then ask him what his dad was thinking with Abduction.

Kevin Seraphin – Almost played 40 minutes, and in that time he went 24/13/2 with a juicy 4 blocks. I guess it’s hard to get a shot past six burning wings.

Chris Singleton – Starting for the Wizards, he went 0-4 with 4 rebounds and 2 turnovers. His brother James (not Jimmer) is embarrassed.

Rajon Rondo – Double-Doubled in points (18) and assists (15). Those are good numbers, don’t get me wrong, but you’d think given his frog-like fingers he could have at least gotten a steal.

Brandon Bass – Rename the state Bassachusetts, because Bass went 12/10 with a steal and a block. Okay, so maybe don’t rename the state. Pound a few beers, though. Of course, I don’t really need an excuse to do that beyond “it’s Tuesday.”

Ronny Turiaf – From the pages of “I thought you died three years ago in a terrible car accident,” Turiaf started at center and put up an impressive 4 points with 6 rebounds. What, he wasn’t paralyzed in that car accident? Wait, he was NEVER in a car accident? Well, those numbers aren’t impressive at all.

Lou Williams - Yesterday I went to your standard chain drug store to pick up some discounted Easter candy. I purchased a giant M&Ms bunny thinking it would contain mini M&Ms, but instead it was just a solid chunk of Mars chocolate, which isn’t that appetizing when not coated in a thin candy shell. This has nothing to do with Lou Williams, but I just wanted to vent. Williams went 20/8/5 with a pair of 3s.

Jodie Meeks – 1-5 from downtown to go 5/4/2 overall. I’ve seen babies crap out better looking things. Baby’s anus, “I resent that!”

Nikola Vucevic – Starting at center for New Jersey, he grabbed 8 rebounds with 4 points shooting. On April 8th, he went 14/13. Do you pick him off waivers? No, because Spencer Hawes came off the bench and went 19/8 and gave you 3 blocks in the process.

Steve Novak – He went 0-3 from downtown. What is his value when he doesn’t hit any threes? 2 points, 2 rebounds, 0 assists, 0 steals.

Tyson Chandler – How does a man score 10 points when he only goes 2-4? Why, you make 6 of 7 free throws. Toss in 15 rebounds and season lightly, then grill each side 6-8 minutes until the juices run. Oh, hmm, I think I just switched over to my Tyson chicken recipe.

Derrick Rose – DNP due to sore right ankle. Has this Rose lost its bloom? Er, probably not, I just wanted to use that expression. Although, if you are in the middle of a fantasy playoff run, maybe you re-grab C.J. Watson, who went 9/3/7 in Rose’s absence.

Richard Hamilton - The Phantom of the Opera went 20/4/5 with a three.