Fantasy Basketball Advice

It’s time to start calculating whether eight weeks of the best free agent left in your league pool is better than five weeks of Manu Ginobili, ’cause that looks to be the sitch, mes amis. That’s assuming those five weeks are top-notch Manu and I’m not getting that kind of vibe. At this point, even if he returns in a couple weeks, what are the odds he’s not as rusty as a birdcage left out in the rain for 20 years? He’s no spring chicken. His coloring suggests he’s more of an autumnal chicken. Either way, owners have been playing chicken with Ginobili long enough. Time to blink. Let him go. He’s cost you too much time, and now he’s going to cost you more. Danny Green is your pickup while Manu is out, but a) your league should have a better option and b) Green won’t likely remain startin’ if he continues playing like he did last night, that’s just Poppovich’s way. Here’s what else I saw on another Monday of fantasy basketball.

Matt Bonner – Five threes and 20 points. With Splitter showing Ginobili injured solidarity for the next couple weeks, the Red Rocket looks to continue averaging the 27 minutes he saw last night. That’s a solid FT%, 3PTM infusion starting you in the face and making googly eyes.

Jeff Teague – Stunted at a 6/0/1 line. Dude cannot handle defensive-minded PG. He’ll run all over Jameer Nelson (last Friday), Derek Fisher (Tuesday) and Steve Nash (Wednesday), but against teams that play team defense (Portland, Miami, Chicago) and he poops all over the bed and a little bit on the bedroom curtains. And speaking of crap, Teague has had 6+ assists just once in the last 15 games.

Jannero Pargo – 19 pts, which included 5 threes. Holy Heshua! Can we go one damn day without talking about how awesome Jeremy did? I mean, every day with– what’s that? … Pargo? … No, I’m pretty sure it’s not pronounced like that … we’re talking about the Harvard kid, right? … Atlanta? … Oh. Never mind. It was Jannero. Not Jeremy. Jeremy is on Memphis and should not be owned. Jannero averages 11 mpg for Atlanta and I haven’t really thought about him since 2010. That tells you much of what you need to know. If you picked up Willie Green, hang onto him, as he’s still starting and the Hawks WERE playing the Bulls who have a way of shutting suckers down.

Derrick Rose – Returned for the first time in almost two weeks and did Rosey things. 23/5/6 and just one win closer to maybe, possibly, hopefully putting a ring around the Rosey.

Iman Shumpert – Out with a knee injury and the fact that there are five dozen other players on the Knicks who can do what he does. Unless there’s nothing left in the FA pool, it’s time for a ShumpDump.

J.R. Smith – 4/4/3, 2-for-8 from the field in 24 minutes a day after sinking 3 threes for 15 points. The prosecution rests, your honor.

Deron Williams – Been playing as good as anyone in the last couple weeks, including 38/4/6, and 8 threes last night. DerLin Williams wanted me to repeat that he’s been playing AS GOOD AS ANYONE THESE LAST TWO WEEKS. So … I did that.

Carmelo Anthony – 11/3/6, and shot .400 from the field. ‘Melo did manage to steal one stat from Lin, all his turnovers (6).

Baron Davis – In his first 10 minutes of the season, he sank a three and doled out an assist. He won’t be much more than this for a while. Pretend he’s not there. Better yet, treat him like January Lin.

Stephen Jackson – Really wanted a chance to go peacocking in front of Dwight Howard last night, which I guess he got to do, if you’re referring to a peacock whose feathers were stapled to the bench. Also, Dunleavy dropped 18 out of nowhere. I hate the Bucks.

Larry Sanders – 13/11/2, with 2 steals and 3 blocks. Sure! Why not? I hate the Bucks.

Carlos Delfino – If 8/4/8, with 2 threes, 4 steals, a block and .300 shooting from the floor ain’t classic Charlie Tuna, I don’t know what it.

Samuel Dalembert – 9/6 in 20 minutes. Back in the saddle again. The saddle being the starting five spot. Okay, that last sentence was just bad writing, but this is Houston we’re talking about. As long as I stay away from Jesus and football, I can get away with writing anything.

Jarrett Jack – 18/5/5, with a pair of threes upon his return. He was supposed to play limited minutes for a spell and ended up playing a minute more than Greivis Vasquez. Turns out “spell,” in this case, meant the game’s first nine minutes. Hang onto Greivis until it’s less than a 50-50 split for minutes, as he managed 15 points himself.

Greg Oden – Bill Walton fixed himself breakfast for dinner and caught up on all of this season’s episodes of Californication. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s as relevant to your fantasy team as telling you about Oden’s third knee surgery.

Daequan Cook – Harden was out last night with a purple-y, bruised up ankle and in his place was the ego of Daequan Cook. I assume it was only Cook’s ego, because Lord knows if his brain and the rest of him had shown up, he would have stopped at 1-for-3 or 4 from the arc instead of bricking eight of his nine attempts.

Rajon Rondo – Chucked the rock at a ref’s wheelhouse yesterday, got ejected, missed last night’s game and will miss the next one, too. Hope you enjoy Avery Bradley‘s 12/4/2 on Wednesday.

Arron Afflalo – 16/5/2 and has been playing up to his fantasy owner’s preseason expectations lately. Who’s got three As, two Rs, two Fs, two Ls, two Os, two thumbs and doesn’t miss Rudy or Danilo at all? That guy.

Jordan Crawford – 20/3/2, with a steal, along with 7-of-10 from the field. One of the better games from Crawford this year. Not a “let’s-hold-off-on-calling-Michael-the-best-Jordan-D.C.-has-ever-known” type of game. But solid. Good for a Wizard, let’s say.

Nick Young – Cold. Shot 3-for-13 from the field. And when Nick Young can’t offer points, he can’t offer nuthin’. On his off nights, he’s like a fat girl with a nasty personality. The deal is, be ugly all you want, as long as you’re nice or funny. But if you’re terrible inside and out, I want nothing to do with you. Just ask Rashard Lewis how that goes.

Blake Griffin – I look forward to whatever is after Jeremy Lin. Remember when we were all talking about Ricky Rubio? Remember when we were all talking about Lob City? Remember when we were all talking about Blake Griffin? Remember when we were all talking about Miami’s Big Three? Remember when we were all talking about Boston’s Big Three? Basketball is a fickle, fickle sport.

Dorell Wright – Started 0-for-6, five of which were from downtown. I’m on record as having repeatedly warned that he was going to underperform his draft value, but … but … dayum.

Gerald Wallace – When you drafted Crash you were aware that games like this could happen and probably would happen. So if you knew that, you only have yourself to blame. While we’re at it, Gerald blames you too, because guys who go 5/1/2 with 2-for-6 from the field don’t tend to point fingers inwardly much.

LaMarcus Aldridge – Shot under .333 last night against L.A. As a result, I feel no need to edit myself from pointing out the fact that he runs funny. Seriously. He lifts his knees like he’s prancing.

Okay, I give up. I’m flabbergasted by what’s going on in New York. Just like the last rave I attended in which everyone wore furry animal suits, I don’t get it, it scares me, but here we are and I’m going to roll with it as best I can. With Carmelo Anthony and Amar’e Stoudemire out for various reasons last week and into this week, it seems like anyone and everyone wearing a Knicks uniform has turned into a viable fantasy option on the winningest ball club in the league. It’s like the last 30 minutes of Moneyball all of a sudden. Three weeks ago, Baron Davis was New York’s only hope for lurching into the playoffs on a .500 winning percentage. Hollywood montage-ahead three weeks and two of the three biggest performers in yesterday’s game against the defending world champs were Jeremy Lin and J.R. Smith, who were not even afterthoughts for this Knicks team just a short while ago. It’s weird, man. Two seasons ago, Jose Bautista started cracking home run after home run out of nowhere and very few people believed it was anything more than a blip in the averages. He’d eventually calm down. He ended up leading the league in home runs that year and the year after that. I kind of think that’s what we’re looking at in New York. Maybe this is just the first chapter in a long saga that we’ll be used to in a few years. Kind of like the hype surrounding the high school LeBron before he started his first game in Cleveland. Fair enough. Baron is likely going to see 10-20 minutes tonight, letting Lin play fewer than 40 (for once) and ‘Melo will return one of these days (maybe tonight). Not much more can be said about Lin. He’s owned in 100 percent of the leagues. What’s shocking about the Knicks is how guys like Steve Novak (14 points, 5 threes on Sunday) and Jared Jeffries (4/7/2, with a steal and a block) are suddenly fantasy options instead of punchlines. And J.R. Smith (15/3/2, with 3 threes)? Well, we knew he had this in him. He’ll do this. And January Adam really wants to tell you that he’ll fall on his face, get back up again, drink a whiskey drink, drink a vodka drink, get knocked down, then get up again for your fantasy team. But when it comes to New York, what do I know. Maybe Smith finishes the rest of this season like 2004 Ray Allen. Grab every last damn Knick and keep your eyes wide open. Anyway, here are some more explainable things elsewhere in fantasy basketball.

Iman Shumpert – 5 pts/2 rbd, with a steal and shot .222 from the field after  moving into the starting SF position with Bill Walker (and Carmelo) out with injury. Just awful, awful shot selection from the floor. All day. And all season. What can’t you be more like Jeremy, Shumpert? Bee tee dubya, “Why Can’t You Be More Like Jeremy, Shumpert” is the name of an after school special script I wrote in the ’80s that dealt with inner-city gentrification.

J.J. Redick – Understudied Jason Richardson, who was having chest pains before the game. Along with poo-pooing Richardson for eating a pair of French-dip sandwiches a half-hour before tip-off, Redick responded by knocking down five threes. Redick’s a should-add as long as Richardson is out (though it doesn’t look his arteries will be clogged too much longer).

Hedo Turkoglu – Turk often follows a five games on, five games off pattern. He just finished up averaging 1.6 3pt/13.6 pts/6 rbd/4.6 ast/1 stl in his last five. At this point, that counts as “good” for Turk. Yesterday, he went 1/0/3. So, one down, four to go!

Chris Wilcox – Stepped in again for Kevin Garnett, who is dealing with a family issue, and ended with 14/6/2. This is what he does when he gets minutes. And it looks like he’ll get minutes in Boston’s next game, too. He’s a good add, unlike 3+6=10. That’s a bad add.

Rodney Stuckey – Been playing well lately and ended yesterday’s game with 16 points, despite going 2-for-10 from the field. Yesterday was a keen example of Stuckey’s Plan B: foul-baiting, head-first blitzes into the paint.

Ben Gordon – In 24 minutes, Air Gordon only managed 4 points from seven shots. Until he shapes up, I’m calling him Error Gordon.

Bismack Biyombo – 0/8/2, with 2 steals and 2 blocks last night. He’s been good for about 8 rebounds and a pair of blocks every game this month. That’s a very specific set of skills that deserves nothing more than a golf clap, but it DOES deserve that golf clap.

Willie Green – 23.5 mpg/.600/1.000/2.3 3ptm/15 pts/1.8 rbd/1.3 ast/1 stl/0 blk/1.3 tov in his last four games. Deep leaguers might want go pounce and ride the boat ’til it starts taking in water. All other leagues should wait and see if he plays 23+ minutes in his next one or two games before adding him, as it’s worth noting that two of Green’s big-minute performances last week came in blowouts.

Isaiah Thomas – 23/8/11, with 3 threes and a block as he started at the two for the second game in a row. Until John Salmons stops sucking, Thomas is a must-own. Considering Salmons hasn’t stopped sucking in almost three seasons, Salmons is a must-drop.

Tristan Thompson – Getting minutes lately and workin’ ‘em. Last night he went 15/12, with three blocks. In his last five games he’s played 25+ minute in three of them. With Varejao out, it’s not nutty to predict this type of game keeps poppin’ up.

Jrue Holiday – Cold lately, but played hot last night 20 pts/5 ast. That means he’s gonna have cool steam coming off him. That might help make him more attractive when you try to trade him. Yes, you should be trying to trade him. He’s good, but he’s not translating his on-court game to fantasy.

Ersan Ilyasova – Grabbed 25 boards last night and now has 113 in 10 February games. No one told me Ersan Ilyasova translates to “wily whiteboy board-grabber” in Turkish. I feel like it would have been helpful to know this before today.

Mike Dunleavy – Scored a pair of points in 17 minutes as the rostisserie keep a-turning. His value is almost non-existent. He’s done. Leavy him in the free agent pool.

Brook Lopez – Unfurl the banner! Start up the band! Loosen the confetti! BroPez is BACK and … he was okay. Slightly clunky. 9/2/2, with a block. Actually, he looked like he was playing in shoes that hadn’t been broken in yet.

Gordon Hayward – 4/3/4. Gordon Wayward has been off all week.

Patrick Patterson – 8/7/1 and replaced Samuel Dalembert at center in the starting lineup, the same way most substitute teachers replace the regular teacher in the classroom. PaPa’s gonna show a movie for the next two days, maybe hand out a worksheet, nothing more.

Serge Ibaka – 14 pts/15 rbd/11 blk. I’ve renamed three of my goldfish Serge and I’ve written several letters strongly urging Kia to name its new sports utility vehicle Ibaka.

Corey Brewer – 33.5 mpg/1.5 3pt/15.8 pts/5.5 rbd/1.5 ast/2.3 stl in four as a starter leading up to last night’s barn-burner against OKC. He didn’t have one of the better games among the Nuggs, but he did have three steals, which is good enough for an add. C’mon don’t be uppity.

Markieff Morris – Get over the 5.5 rebounds-per-game ‘Kieff has averaged over his last six games. He’s a small big, which Phoenix has grown accustomed to these last couple seasons. The 1.3 3pt/13.5 pts/1.7 stl/1.8 blk in last six is more than your team deserves.

Kobe Bryant – Double-troubled last night (32 pts/10 tov). Kobe had no intention of being outdone by Jeremy Lin in ANY facet of the game. Your move, Lin!

J-Smoove (or Joove to his friends and accountants) had 30 points, 17 rebounds and 7 assists. Which brings up a good question: was he close to a triple-double? Seven dimes is pretty outstanding, but getting three more would have been the equivalent of scoring about 10-12 more points. We wouldn’t say Josh Smith was so close to scoring 40 last night, just because he had 30, right? Going from three assists to seven was the leap, not seven to 10. Does that jive? Does it at least cha-cha? It always bugs me when a player goes above his averages and announcers or whomever try to make it bigger than it was.  No need to make it bigger, because he also drained 2 threes, stole three balls and blocked four shots. He almost had a sextuplet-double if he had only played another 40 minutes! Anyway, scroll down with me for more fantasy basketballery, won’t you?

Psych your face! Tomorrow is Friday. You know what Friday means? I mean aside from the fact that you’re going to end the day naked in a bathtub and crying to Tori Amos? It’s Daily Joust‘s $100 prize night. Assuming you haven’t been taking them to school all week, saving up to buy a larger tub  and more Tori Amos albums, you’re still eligible to win and start your weekend off right. You must be of-age and not a previous winner to qualify. You almost must have a computer, a brain and at least a faint pulse. Other than that, you don’t need anything but guts, some knowledge of how basketball is played and an Internet connection. That’s all you need. Plus a gambler’s heart. But that’s it, aside from a thrillseeker streak. Nothing more. Click here . Enter. Enjoy.

Now. Let’s get on with the fantasy basketball Wednesday recap!

Channing Frye – 13/11 last night. He was just resting on Tuesday. Resting LIKE A FOX! Actually, foxes are very well-rested animals. They sleep, like, nine hours a day.

Tiago Splitter – 13/5/2, with a block. He hasn’t been stellar lately, but then again neither has Tim Duncan. Matter fact, Duncan went 8/3/2 and made your bellyaching about Splitter look somewhat ridiculous. If Duncan owned Tiago Splitter in a fantasy basketball league and he heard you bitch about owning him, he’d give you that incredulous “who me” look he gives refs after every foul he’s ever had called on him.

DeMar DeRozan – 29 points on 13-for-21 shooting. You got benchslapped tonight, didn’t you? Probably because you put him in the last two games when he went a combined 7-for-25, right? Go ahead and throw your laptop out the window now, ’cause he’s going 1-for-10 in his next game and you’re going to play him. Don’t worry. It’s not you. It’s fate.

Jose Calderon – Double-doubled for the seventh time this season. The Raps are 3-4 when Joe Kettle dub-steps, or, as it’s known among Raps fans, “a winning record!”

Andre Iguodala – He’s averaging 8.7 pts/4.7 rbds/6 asts in his last three games. His six shots last night doubled the combined total of the last two games, which is very un-A.I.-like. And ay, I don’t like.

Lou Williams – After last night’s 21/4/7, with a pair of threes and a steal, Screwy Looey is averaging 18/2/4, with at least one steal and three so far this month. I was right to predict the Sixth Man coming out of Philly in 2012, but wrong to predict it would be Thad Young.

Jrue Holiday – His stats are steadily declining as the weeks tick by and I’m wondering how difficult it would be to arrange a Thunderdome situation in which Darren Collison, Jeff Teague, Raymond Felton and Holiday all enter, but only one leaves.

Ryan Anderson – Dropped seven treys last night. He has 87 on the season. It took Anderson 43 games last year to sink 87 threes. It’s taken him 29 this year. If this were a full season, Anderson would be on pace for 238 threes, the sixth-most in NBA history. But because of the Lockout, Anderson is on pace to only win the Wednesday Night three-point shooting contest he, Marco Belinelli and Caron Butler didn’t know they were having.

Omri Casspi – 10/9/3, with 3 3ptm. This is the weak version of what I projected him to do all season. The season was weak. It needed cayenne pepper or maybe it needed to reverse the J.J. Hickson trade that nobody is happy with. Anyway, Casspi’s being very un-Dude this season.

Kyrie Irving – 22/3/5, with 3 3ptm. No longer concussed, Kyrie is irie, mon.

Semih Erden – Semih was sportin’ a full Erden last night going 18/8. Considering he’s scored a total of 27 points in his previous 13 games, I’d see if he can go again before labeling him a stud. It’s easy to go off once. A lot of times you’re full of spunk and once it’s gone, man, it’s totally gone.

Roy Hibbert – Hibbert hasn’t been bad this season so much as inconsistent. He went 17/8, with a steal and a block Wednesday. Yeah, that’s nice, especially on the wings of Hibb’s 14/10 dove that was January. But then what can you say about February’s wangdoodle (11/9) wedged in between them? Y’see what I mean about inconsistency?

A.J. Price – Averaging 12 points and 3 3ptm over his last three. Just FYI … you know, if you’re into cheap production. Then might I also suggest the off-off Broadway production of Beauty & The Beast entitled Booty and the Beast.

Marreese Speights – The Ace of Speights had himself a career-night, going 20/18, with a pair of blocks. It was so good, he went out after the game to celebrate by adding another R and E to his first name.

Tony Allen – 21/4/3, with 5 steals, a block and a three. I’m acknowledging that this game happened and imploring you to ignore it.

Kris Humphries -10/7 and has truly been blowing lately. It’s funny how losing the one thing he was famous for completely eradicates all the attention he was getting last year. I’m speaking, of course, about rebounds. What else did you think I was talking about? Don’t be weird.

MarShon Brooks – Returned and went 12/3/3, with a pair of threes. He also turned the ball over six times and pretty much negated all that other stuff.

Ben Gordon – 22 points and 4 threes in 28 minutes. Brandon Knight started at the two, but only played 19 minutes. Here. Go deep. I’ll hit you with this information in the end zone.

Chris Wilcox – 17/9/3. I told you to grab him in the brief window that he’d be starting and I know you did that because you told me you would.

Jeremy Lin – 10/5/13, as the Knicks are riding a seven-game winning streak. Do we care that he’s turned over the ball six times last night and that his turnover numbers are as bad as his assist number are good? We don’t? Fine. Just checking. Don’t get snippy.

Amar’e Stoudemire – 11/5 in 27 minutes. I miss Amar’e's vertical. Remember that? It was great.

Corey Maggette – 18/3, with a steal. That’s officially two solid contests in a row on a team that one doesn’t usually equate the words “solid” or “contest” with. Do what you gotta.

Kevin Martin – 32 points, 4 threes after playing like poo in three of his last four. Benchslapped like a mofo.

Chase Budinger – Played nine minutes. Feel free to boot him off your team and make blonde jokes at his expense loudly so that he hears you do it.

Shawn Marion – 16/10/6 and guarded by the understudy of the understudy all night long. It looks like the only thing Corey and Kenneth faried was the Matrix from being covered by a damn defender.

Lamar Odom – 14 points on 50 percent shooting. He also had a steal and a block and shot a three and rebounded a little and didn’t really turn the ball over much. So that’s good, right? I can’t quit Lamar. I just can’t. Stop asking me to.

Corey Brewer – 9/7/4, with 5 steals. He also shot 3-for-15 from the field and played terrible D, which would seem crazier if Faried and Kosta Koufas weren’t also starters in this tragedy.

Kosta Koufos – Some gigantic guy wearing an authentic Denver jersey grifted his way onto the court and double-doubled Wednesday night. Woulda been cool if it wasn’t so scary.

Nate Robinson – Scored a season-high 21 (including a triplet of threes) mostly because Ellis and Curry were a cold 6-for-19 from the field. Don’t pick Sugar Nate up … unless it’s so you have something to slap across Curry and Ellis’ face.

Nicolas Batum – 17/4/3, with 2 steals, 2 blocks and 2 threes. The Batum we’ve seen in the last seven games is the Batum we’ve been waiting for ever since Kate Upton was just some chick Dougie-ing at Wizards games. Now Upton is some chick Dougie-ing on magazine covers and Batum is choppin’ heads. Long overdue, Batum. Long overtum.

Blake Griffin – 23/15/3, with a steal. He was underrated last year. Overrated this year. Look for him to be rated next year. Oh, yes. One can almost guarantee Blake Griffin will be rated next year.

Mo Williams – Just kinda taking up space now.

Many tears were shed on Valentine’s Day, and not because lonely people were curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, a bottle of Pinot Noir and Blue Valentine on Netflix. Danny Granger left the game in the first quarter with a spained left ankle and did not return. LaMarcus Aldridge liked his style and also departed in the first quarter with a left ankle sprain. No news yet on whether either one of them will have to be put to sleep, but you may as well hold tight and pray to as many gods as you can think of to make sure Granger and Aldridge don’t miss a lot of time. You may want to include Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva for good measure.

Amar’e Stoudemire – Returned from a four game absence and netted 21 points with 9 boards. If he was rusty, it didn’t really show, as he was Standing Tall and Talented. There’s absolutely no reason not to continue to plug him into your lineups, unless you are prejudiced against apostrophes.

Jeremy Lin – Linsanity continued with 9-20 shooting, 11 assists and a pair of threes, including the game winner. The Lindustry earned his Lincome with 43 minutes on the Court. That’s how many minutes Eddy Curry has played in the past three seasons.

Linas Kleiza – Somehow managed to miss five of six from behind the arc and four of six from the free throw line, yet still accumulated 15 points. If you put me on the floor for 38 minutes, I probably could have given you something similar. If you’re thinking of picking him up, think of something else, like not picking up Linas Kleiza.

Jose Calderon – Continues on turbo mode. Last night, he gifted his owners 25/11/9 with three steals, a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. Not bad for a guy typically drafted in the 8th round.

Norris Cole – Dropped 20 points on the Pacers but with nothing else to write home about. I mean, really, what would you say? “Dear Mom, How is dad? I’m thinking about doing a double major because student loans are really keen. Also, did you hear Norris Cole had one rebound, three assists, and no steals? That’s basically what he’s done all month. Boring! Anyway, I better wrap this up and drop it in the mail. Give my love to grandma and the rotary phone.”

Chris Bosh – Produced 13/7/1, no blocks, 33% shooting. This follows 8/7/4, 1 block, 37.5% the day before and 14/16/1, 2 blocks, 28.6% the day before that. The Heat have played nine games in fourteen days, grueling even by this season’s standards. Bosh is tired, and you’re going to suffer for it. The condensed season is tearing this family apart!

Rodney Stuckey – Another satisfying performance with 23/4/8. Stuckey on you, I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose. Guess I’m on my way.

Manu Ginobili – All the rust Stoudemire didn’t have was all over Ginobili in his second game back, putting up (throwing up?) 1/2/7 in 24 minutes. Still, the assists are coming, and if you are in need of a guard…well, you could do worse. If he’s still on your waivers, I would grab him in a non-sexual way. If someone else already has him, make passive aggressive comments for the rest of the season.

Ben Wallace – Five boards and nine points in 26 minutes. If you think that sounds about as exciting as wet paper towels, Greg Monroe had six rebounds with four points in close to 22 minutes. If you are over 6’9″, the Pistons would like to talk to you about playing center for them.

Luol Deng – Dished out a career high 11 assists to go along with 23 points, 7 rebounds and a blocked shot as the Bulls rallied to win after blowing a 19  point lead. Adam’s family says he is recovering and in good spirits.

John Salmons – That fishy smell is Salmons’ line of 3/1/2 on 1 of 8 shooting. What a load of carp. He really krilled your numbers if you started him. He hasn’t had double-digit points since February 6th, and he’s basically been a pain in the bass for five games now. I would cast him back and see who else I could reel in off of waivers.

DeMarcus Cousins – Gave his owners a double-double with 28/17/2 with three steals, two blocks, and a three pointer for good measure. It may be wrong to kiss your Cousins, but I won’t tell anyone if you do.

Tyreke Evans – Reminding me why I drafted him by playing just about 42 minutes for a line of 27/8/8, including 8-8 on free throws. If you are into numerology and mystical patterns, 27 is a multiple of 8 (but only if you failed math class in 3rd grade).

John Lucas – If he gets regular playing time, he is worth an add in deeper leagues. His evening of 9/1/9 on 50% shooting during 22 minutes comes after increased floor time the previous two games. I can’t promise you anything (and I won’t!), but any guard getting 20 minutes on the Bulls is good for some assists. He’s someone to keep an eye on if you’re tired of swimming upstream with Salmons.

Kevin Martin – Zero points, one rebound, two assists, one steal. Blech. Double blech! I haven’t seen something that disgusting since I walked into the bathroom after Adam Richman. Martin has no excuse, and I hope he thinks about what he’s done.

Mike Conley – 21 points on 7-of-15 shooting with 3-of-4 from the outside. He had only made 19-of-59 three pointers before Tuesday’s game, and a paltry 3-of-13 for the month. Did Memphis move the three point line closer to the basket?

Kyle Lowry – Played shy of 39 minutes but wasn’t bashful on the court, leading all players with 24 points and six assists. Okay, maybe that’s not super exciting, but if you’re not happy with that then there really is no pleasing you.

Rudy Gay – 20/8/3 as he has been extremely solid for the past two weeks. I wish I could say the same thing about my bowels, but I ate some bad Chinese food the other day. That’s not a joke, it was terrible, much like the Utah Jazz on Tuesday night. Speaking of which…

Paul Millsap – After three games in a row and four in five nights, the Jazz were gassed. Millsap had the prettiest line of the bunch, a mediocre 10/8/3. Utah has two days off, which should allow them to get some rest and come back fresh. Expect an uptick in performance from your Jazz players as they give you some positive notes this Friday.

James Harden – Off the bench, the bearded one netted 22 points on 6-9 shooting with three from behind the arc to go along with five assists. Daequan Cook (8/2/0) should not be taking away time from ol’ Jimbo, but it doesn’t matter. Harden is putting up the better numbers even without the starting job.

Marcin Gortat – Rat-a-tat scored 10 points and nabbed 14 boards, but it comes with the caveat that he had a sickly 31% shooting. Gortat usually has better aim than that, and I wouldn’t put too much into his extra bricks. In any event, you will take the back to back double-doubles and you will be grateful.

Markieff Morris – He decided he wanted to lead the team in scoring and dropped 21 with six rebounds and two blocked shots. Afterward, the Dothraki acknowledged him as the new khal.

Nick Young – He razzled and dazzled his way to a season high 35 points, but didn’t bother to tack on any peripheral stats (0 assists, 2 steals, 3 rebounds) to make it a truly magical night. I expected more from a wizard.

John Wall – Taking note of Nick Young, the Great Wall of Washington scored 29 of his own but added 9 assists to flesh it out. He also managed two blocks for the hell of it. Yes, please and dankeschön.

Nick Batum – Batum followed the Nick Young theory of playing with 33/4/1 and 1 steal. I guess if you are so busy scoring, you can’t be bothered to, you know, share. Fine, I get that, but you’d think if you’re going to be a ball hog you could at least grab some rebounds. Teammate Gerald Wallace managed four boards and 8 assists (and 2 steals!) to go along with 25 points. Gerald has been in the league for something like 100 years, Nick, so take a lesson from a veteran.

Derek Fisher – Three’s a charm, unless your point guard gives you 3/3/3. He continues to be terrible. I’m not sure why the Lakers keep starting him (does Fisher have a photo of Mike Brown wearing a diaper and sitting in an adult sized crib?), but there’s no excuse for you to do the same…start Fisher, that is. Or wear a diaper. Don’t do either.

Josh Smith – You see a line like 15/9/3, two steals and three blocks, and you sit back and smile. For me, I want more. The problem is, Smith can do better. I’m not happy with good; I want great. Like an unreasonable parent, I want his report card to be nothing but straight As. If Smith is grounded for the summer, so be it. I will cut the cords on his XBox 360, wait and see. No buddies, no girlfriends, no car, nothing. He better apply himself, that’s all I’m saying.

Chris Kaman is back in the starting lineup and should be back in your lineu,p too . He should have been in all lineups last night, but I can’t eat anyone’s lunch for keeping him out one game to see what he’d do. What he done did was he led all scorers in his return to the starting lineup for the first time in eight games. Against the Jazz, he went 27/13/2, he had 2 stl and 1 blk. Three turnovers. Meh. You’ll live with it. This news is great for Kaman owners and bad for pretty much all Emeka Okafor owners except the ones who also own Kaman. If everyone’s healthy, Kaman’s upside is higher than Okafor’s, but he’ll only reach that ceiling as long as Okafor is out. As long as he’s out, start Kaman and enjoy Gustavo Ayon‘s minor bump. Not a big bump. Not lots. Littles. More fantasy basketball news down below.

Greivis Vasquez – Double-double. 12/4/10, with a trio of steals. It took him 38 minutes to get there, but he got there. You hoped he’d get there. That’s why you’re vulturing him.

Eric Gordon – Stories started pumping out of the Internet machine so fast last night about Eric Gordon’s health that they woke me up from a deep slumber involving Miranda Kerr and, like, five submarine sandwiches! Apparently, Err Gordon might miss anywhere from one month to two. I was in such a depressed state afterwards, when I went back to sleep, all that was left of my dream was half a hoagie and a pink fur-lined hoodie.

Martell Webster – The most underwhelming member of an underwhelming team returned to the spotlight last night and ended with 5/4 and 2 tov. But enough about Darko. /rimshot  No, but seriously, Darko would kill for that line. Webster took over at the two for Ridnour and did just about what you’d expect the most awfulest T-Wolf to do. Do yourself a favor, leave him be.

Darko Milicic – Returned, earned three fouls in four minutes from the bench. I don’t mean that literally. He was on the floor when he committed those fouls. Look, he’ll improve from this, but he’s unownable if he’s not starting.  Starting was about the only thing he had going for him. Like when a fat, balding accountant drives around in a Mercedes. Now put that same guy in a Kia and you’ll understand what is happening to Darko.

Jason Richardson – Dude’s caught fire this month, averaging 18/4/2 along with an astonishing 4 3ptm in his last seven. Well, the threes are on fire. The rest is more or less what we expected him to do before we realized his career is more or less busted and rusted.

Corey Maggette – Dropped 22 points and 3 steals in 32 minutes. This was the first game in which Maggette-O’s didn’t come with a shizz-ton of meatballs in, like, I dunno, three years or whatever. If you’ve got an open spot or you’re into streaming, I added him in one league. These Bobcats are awful. None of them are going to produce on any regular basis.

Tyrus Thomas – Played nine minutes, missed three shots, fouled three times. I have three general rules: 1) I want my president to be smarter than I am, 2) I don’t want my wife to know more about any sport than I do, and 3) I don’t want to own any fantasy basketball player that has a game I could literally have had had I taken his place. I told you not to pick this guy up, I told you to drop him after you picked him up and now I’m telling you to hang on as tightly as possible because you’ve made it clear you have no intention of listening to me.

Stephen Jackson – Played 17 minutes and ended with 7/3 and a steal. The Bucks are like the Bobcats in that both teams have, like, 10 guys that can lead the team on any given night. That makes owning any members of this team damn near unbearable. You just know there’s some poor bastard out there who owns three players from each team and you know that guy friggin’ hates his team.

Elton Brand – He’s averaged 8/8/1, with 1.4 blk in the five games leading up to last night. Then last night he went 8/6/1, with a block and a steal. He fouled four guys and only played 18 minutes, so from a per-minute perspective, it was a tight little game! That’s good, right? Good is objective, yes? How do I know that what appears blue to me appears blue to you?

Kenyon Martin – Averaging 5/5 and a block in the first three games of his season leading up to this one. Last night? 10/3 and four blocks. Tomorrow? The world.

Randy Foye – “With Chauncey Billups out, this will be the time for Foye to really up his game.” – General consensus among sportsy types (including yours truly). Foye’s answer on Monday? 3/5/3, 0-for-7 from the field. I say boo, sir.

Rodrigue Beaubois – What are we more sad about? That RoboBobo is earning DNP-CDs or that we all kinda wish Lamar Odom was the one earning them?