I had the unfortunate pleasure (displeasure?) of watching the Knicks get pa-rumped by the Warriors last night 92 to 63.  It was disturbing, almost laughably so.  Kinda like The Wicker Man.  Not the bees!  If only the Warriors were women in bear suits.  Sheesh get Stevie Nicks out there.  With her current body type, she could probably box out Kurt Thomas.  Fun fact: they’re both 64 years old as well.  Carmelo Anthony returned from three games off with a sore knee to go 14 and 10 but 4-15.  Maybe the knee needs more ice.  J.R. Smith got ejected for a flagrant and went 3-11 for 9 points in his 21 minutes, so it’s not like his departure was a main factor of suckage.  Kenyon Martin had a rough layup rip-check, Tyson Chandler couldn’t fend off David Lee for second chance points, and the Knicks shot 24.7% and 5-27 from 3 as a team.  The Clippers are lob city, the Knicks last night were brick city.  The Knicks will look to rebound Wednesday night against Carmelo’s former Nuggets, so I could see a nice bounce back from your NY fantasy options.  But lawdy.  Was a pretty nauseating performance from one of the NBA’s “better” teams.

Here’s what else happened last night in the fantasy basketball-o-sphere:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I love all fantasy sports.  Baseball might be my favorite, just because it’s so long and hard and there’s so many guys to choose from…

But there are moments, fleeting highlights and moments, that I think make Fantasy Basketball special.  Like yesterday, with DeAndre Jordan absolutely murdah-ing Brandon Knight on the alley.  If you’re on your computer, just go to ESPN or NBA.  I mean Daaaaahhhhuuuummmm.  Lots of twitters about it, but my favorite might have been from Knight himself: “It wasn’t in the scouting reports that the clippers threw lobs lol”.  Hah!  Glad to see he isn’t in a deep depression.  Makes it more fun that everyone can smile about it.  ESPN then had a top ten of posterized moments.  All the others looked like the posterizee was about to kill the posterizer.  I’m 6’7 and I got posterized once by a guy the same height, but I didn’t know he had hops.  I just smiled and went my way, and luckily everyone didn’t go nuts/it wasn’t in front of 15,000 people.  Or else I’d be more Patrick Ewing than Brandon Knight.

Fantasy-wise, Jordan is still the barely-ownable center he has been all year.  You should get a bonus for posterized dunks.  Had one of his best games of late going 5-5 13 Pts 7 Rebs 1 Ast and 2 Blks.  Been at least 7 and 5 with a block the last five.  If you need blocks plus want to be on the edge of your seat if you only watch highlights of players on your team, give Jordan a look if he’s available.

Here’s what else went down over the weekend:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

K-Mart, the retail store I’m talking here, has always been a joke.  The one next to campus where I went to college always got robbed and there was always someone with a gun.  I know there’s a popular site People of Walmart, which would be pretty interesting for K-Mart too if there ever actually was people in K-Marts.  Maybe shoppers there treat the store like Dawn of the Dead.  They’re just ducking and covering, and steal supplies stealthily which is why the shelves are always empty.  Well I guess they have been in the news recently because of their great Black Friday deals.  Hey, if DeMarcus Cousins can’t shoot better than 1-10 or 2-10 like he has in the last two ganes, he might be in one of the lines.  “We’re moving to Seattle, but we’re not taking you!”  Good thing the NBA version’s of K-Mart showed he isn’t completely chapter 11, going a respectable 16 Pts (4-6 FG 3-5 3PTM) 4 Rebs 4 Asts and 2 Stls.  Hey I just said Kevin Martin wasn’t bankrupt… Not that he is suddenly on fire!  Damn K-Mart (the smoldering store).  Most rebounds since Jan. 9th, first 30+ min game in 7 games, and luckily he’s still in the OKC mix.  Only two games last night, but let’s check out what went down:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

March Madness Razzball Logo

 

Razzball Nation!  As announced on our awesome Facebook page, join me in a March Madness pool to the death.  Join here to challenge yours truly in a bracket attack-et.  If you lose, Warwick Davis will terrorize you harder than  he did Jennifer Aniston.

I’ll shoot up another mini-post when the brackets are announced to remind you procrastinators, with a few updates as it goes along.  I’ve got UNC winning it all!  Wishful thinking.

Join today!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Everyone saw it coming.  Everyone had it circled on their calendar.  The epic in-state rivalry of the NBA’s best team going for their 16th straight win playing at home against… the second-worst team in the NBA.  Of course it would be a nail-biter!  The Heat went up big, but the Magic went on a 46-21 run and kept it tight until LeBron James’ game-winning layup.  Good thing Nikola Vucevic had fouled out so there were no shot blockers left.  The Magic certainly didn’t put a spell on the refs, racking up 30 fouls and two foul-outs to the Heat’s 17.  Conspiracy!  The Magic fouls were illusions!  You don’t have time for my illusions!  Tricks are what whores do for money.  Or cocaine.  LeBron better get some nice wedding presents from those home refs.  You think Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert got invited?  Be funny if Lebron sent him an invite with a -1.  This is a fantasy basketball blog right?  Hah, let’s get into the numbers from last night’s games:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s that time of year.  You’re either chomping at the bit because you’re in a good position for the playoffs, or you’ve sworn off even looking at your league because you’re too frustrated Derrick Rose never helped you out.  That’s why it’s an awesome time to check out our friends at DraftKings, where you can draft a new roster every day and win big money prizes.  In a special day of contests with an almost full slate of NBA action, it’s a perfect time to hop into one of three different $10,000 contests going on tonight!  Buy in for as little as $11!  Or you can up your bet for a bigger chance of winning for $109 or $1,050.  There’s $10,000 to be won for all levels of players!  And I’m gonna help you win that money with some insight on players who are going to be huge tonight that you can get on the cheap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m starting to get really frustrated with those AT&T kid commercials where this douche asks four or five kids random crap, like “what’s better less or more?” or “would you rather be faster or slower?”  In one of em he cuts the kid off who just wants to prove she can be funny like the convulsing three-year old too!  He’s probably too buys doing blow with AT&T execs to have empathy.  However, the way those kids act isn’t too dissimilar to how I would see NBA stars act in team meetings.  Like imagine the same guy sitting with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook ans asking, “what’s better, scoring more or less points?” “MOOORRREEEE!!!” in unison.  Then Westbrook is like, “if you score more points you have more chance of being on Sportscenter and people will like you more and clown you less for singing along to Ke$ha in pre-game.”  Clowned anyway!  Good thing Westbrook is having an incredible season, including beating up the Lakers last night to the beat of his drum (if there’s a more apropos lyric from Ke$ha hell if I would know it) with a line of 15-29 FG 37 Pts 10 Rebs 5 Asts and 2 Stls.  On top of that, only two turnovers.  Even Kobe Bryant was givin’ props.  If there was a Facebook throw down of NBA players claiming to be elite, this would be a good time for Westbrook to chime in.  Let’s check out what else went down in a fairly light night of NBA action:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Why do deer like salt licks?  It’s one of the longest pondered mysteries in the world.  Ok, that’s not true at all after I asked Jeeves.  According to Wikipedia (I know Mrs. Hanson, I can’t use it as a source but this isn’t a research paper, bitch) “A mineral [salt] lick is natural mineral deposit where animals in nutrient-poor ecosystems can obtain essential mineral nutrients.”  Parallels!  Those poor Milwaukee Bucks were having such nutrient-poor fantasy lines and highlights of late and just needed some salt to lick.  Easy, “that’s what she said” guy (you know if you are).  The Bucks had three plays in the Sportscenter top 10!  Fantasy wise, Monta Ellis hadn’t scored 30 in 2013.  Brandon Jennings hadn’t scored more than 11 in his last four games.  J.J. Redick hadn’t scored more than 16 or hit more than 2 threes in a game for his new squad.  And Larry Sanders hadn’t… Well he’s been playing awesome, and was awesome again last night.  Let’s look at their lines and the rest of fantasy basketball’s noteworthy performances last night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So one of my favorite directors, Darren Aronofsky, is working on a new movie Noah that is going to come out some time in 2014.  Yeah, it’s about the dude in the “we’re gonna need animals in this boat”, not “we need a bigger boat.”. Russell Crowe is going to be Noah.  Hmmmm.  Did you know “hm” can be played in scrabble and Words With Friends?  Man, did that grind my buddy’s goat.  I don’t know how I feel about this new Aronofsky outlet, especially with a budget reported at $130 million.  That’s a lot of water tanks.  We all saw what happened to Waterworld.  Producer Scott Fanklin said “…we stayed very true to the story and didn’t really deviate from the Bible, despite the six-armed angels.”  Mind… Blown… Speaking of six-armed Angels and Noahs, Joakim Noah was downright swatty last night, racking up 11 Blocks against the 76ers.  Although I guess Noah would be a six-armed Bull.  Something like a mix between Goro and Motaro. Hey, that might actually be a step up looks-wise.  Animality!  Noah’s final line of 8/12 FG 23 Pts 21 Rebs 1 Ast 3 Stls and 11 Blks gave him one of the sexiest triple-doubles since three Baywatch lifeguards ran to my aid after a jellyfish stung my tooshie.  Here’s what else happened around the NBA last night:

Sucker Punch! Another reminder to like us on Facebook as all our sports have melted into one hard-hitting Fantasy hub that stings like a butterfly and flies like a bee.  OK, maybe I got that wrong, but it’s something like that…  Once you follow, you’ll spontaneously outburst in dance in costume and merriment.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tobias Harris started the season fairly strong, putting together some decent lines in November, but then fell out of the Bucks rotation.  “Oh Tobias, you blow-hard!”  It looked like Harris’ career might be stalled.  “I got my hands on some money.  I can’t say how or when … or where my wedding ring is, but my purse overfloweth.”  But with a trade to the Magic right at the deadline, Harris got a much needed new beginning in O-Town.  “But guess what? There’s a new daddy in town.  A discipline Daddy.”  Harris has been a discipline daddy indeed, providing the Magic with their lone bright spot with 23 Pts 9-12 FG 2-2 FT 1 3PTM 6 Rebs 2 Asts and 2 Stls last night while being massacred by the Kings.  And if any of these references are giving you a chubby, suck it up and watch Arrested Development!  As I mentioned in both articles yesterday, I’m crushing hard on my boy T-Hair.  Shooting a total of 21-31 (68%) and averaging 17.7 Pts 0.67 3PM 6.7 Rebs 1.3 Asts 1.0 Stl and 1.0 Blk over his three games for Orlando, he’s been a dynamite find for their unloading of J.J.  I called him a pickup in deeper leagues, but with a third straight big performance where he looked worthy of 40 minutes (I watched this game – he attacked the rim hard, shot well, and played spry), I’m now calling him a pickup in all leagues.  Here’s what else happened last night across the NBA:

Deke! Don’t forget that all our Razzball mindscapes are now in one convenient social media lollapalooza on Facebook.  Shoot us a like, track all the new articles when they go up, and follow more of Grey’s game-winning musings on life.

Please, blog, may I have some more?