In general I think it’s a good idea to say, “Spoiler Alert: Plot Climax”, but I don’t need to do that when talking about the new Godzilla movie because I haven’t seen it.  It’s not the plot I take offense to anyway, I’m disappointed in the choice of lead monster.  With today’s CGI the giant, furry, and oh so cute Mothra could still wreck havoc on the city but unlike Godzilla he would also sell millions of soft, fuzzy pillows to little boys and girls everywhere.  I’ve already mailed my script to Disney so don’t go trying to steal my ideas.  And what about King Ghidorah, the three-headed dragon monstrosity?  If I had to put down a few bucks between him and Godzilla then I’m taking King Ghidorah.  Sure Godzilla has his strengths with the loud roar and all but he doesn’t fly.  So while Godzilla is flailing his little T-Rex arms and squawking like a pissed off parrot, the King can leisurely glide around and deliver deadly destruction whenever he so pleases.

Godzilla is a tried and true brand so he makes the most sense but I don’t think that makes him the right choice.  In a Russell Westbrook vs John Wall debate you would probably assume Westbrook makes the most sense too – but I’m not so sure.  Actually I am sure, if you remember last time out I told you I was going into these comparisons with a predetermined winner.  So before we get started I’m going to go ahead and put a few bucks down on John Wall.  It would be a much easier debate if he could fly, but either way he’s still going to be a summer, I mean winter blockbuster.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It doesn’t bother me in the slightest that life is just one big competition.  Like when JB thought he would oppose me for class president back in our days at Fantasy U.  I took pride in wearing the crown for FU and it was well known that I would even acknowledge the little people whilst being carried on the backs of peasants towards my concubines.  But for our senior year my court jester, JB the ‘Dang that dude’s tall’, threw off his now infamous pink spandex jump suit and opposed me with a platform of categorical equality and unbiased views of all things not from the Isle of Duke.  I accepted the competition from this usurper and attacked his ideology with every bit of fuzzy math I could muster.  To this day I still don’t understand why he was chosen to be our ruler or whatever he calls it.  Oh that’s right, he calls it ‘editor’.  Whatever that is, does it come with a gold crown and scepter?  I didn’t think so.

As I sit here now in my old wooden rocking chair, puffing on my meerschaum, and reminiscing with you of a time nearly forgotten I feel the desire, nay the obligation to oppose our master’s completely reasonable views.  I hereby vow to you that I will NOT go into any of these posts with an open mind.  I will be blindly biased and I will always know the outcome before I write a single word.  For you, this I can promise.

First on the docket is DeMar DeRozan vs Gordan Hayward. For this comparison I would like to consider it in a league of 12 teams, 9-Cat, and H2H.  They are both young wings and universally considered top 75 fantasy players after breakout seasons.  Enough already, get to it.  What?  Who said that?  OK Mr. disembodied voice, here it is.  DeRozan vs Hayward by category and quit pushing me with your disembodied hand it’s freaking me out, but I kind of like it.  OK, Don’t stop.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Isn’t it nice when everything falls into place?  Like when you drive home from work and catch nothing but green lights all the way.  I’m not sure what you call that feeling.  I say I’m not sure, not because I can’t use a thesaurus, but because I don’t have those kinds of days anymore.  I’m sorry to sound all doom and gloom but at this time of year, when I’m dropping one of my favorite players from my fantasy team – one that I followed for every game – I can’t help but react negatively.  I know it’s not his fault, or the team, or even the ghost of David Stern.  What, he’s not dead?  If you say so.  Really there isn’t any fault at all, besides the ghost obviously, I just needed more games or I’m not going to win my semifinals match-up.  So if you are like me and you’re barely holding onto your last breath of hope in the semis here’s a handful of widely available players to get that last couple of points, or boards, or just whatever it’s going to take stay alive and play for the championship:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In case you haven’t noticed I’ll go ahead and state the obvious, I don’t like to lose.  What’s that?  You don’t either?  Good, because it’s that time of year once again when we find out just what lengths we’ll go to to insure an early playoff victory.  Can you drop a player who’s been one of your most productive for months?  It’s easy when they’re injured but when you start to see your season about to end can you let the better player walk to gamble on a player with more games?  I can’t make that life altering decision for you but I can offer you a few words of counsel.

First, I ask that you confess your most shameful of fantasy sins, not to me but to yourself.  If you drafted Tristan Thompson and ignored all the warnings then you need to first come to grips with that before you can proceed.  This will be the internal struggle that not until you have accepted will you truly find peace.  Secondly, you must accept that none of us can do this little thing called life, or fantasy basketball, all by ourselves.  There was once and still are people there to guide me and as I write I pass this knowledge on to you.  I know one day you will continue this circle of life and pass the knowledge on to the next generation of fake basketballers.  And third, only you can make the decision to turn your life, or roster, over with this new found knowledge.  In other words, if you post your login/password below I will not make the move for you.  Now my apprentice go forth with this knowledge of weekend streamers and bring us back word of your glorious victory.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before this playoff roster post gets too out of control I have a few things to say that will hopefully help to put things into perspective.  Like how this is based off of daily roster changes, 9-cat, H2H, you know, like the RCLs.  First off, everyone’s playoff needs are entirely dependent on the makeup of their roster.  It should be noted that this isn’t just about maximizing games, it’s also about helping to make up for our deficiencies.  For example, If I had Chris Paul on my team then I’m only going to get 2 games in the first round.  If I want to win let’s say assists,  then I need to stream accordingly.  Second, I’m going to use the saying, “heavy day”.  While trying my hardest to avoid the feminine hygiene jokes I will be referring to whether or not that days NBA schedule has a lot of teams playing or just a few.  This is important because on most heavy days you usually won’t need to stream a player or you may have a player you won’t get much from.  For instance Boston plays Mon, Wed, Fri next week and Wed, Fri, Sun the following week.  Wed and Fri are always heavy days and depending on the rest of your roster you may only get 1 game each week from say… Jerryd Bayless.  That would make him just about useless.  Third, I’m going to use 3-letter abbreviations for teams and days of the week.  Otherwise this would get far too unwieldy to read and I would have to learn how to spell all of those cities.  That’s not going to happen, isn’t learning the names of players enough?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’ve all been guilty of it at one point or another.  Maybe the great ones, you know, someone like The Dude, haven’t been guilty of trying to look into the future.  For us mere mortals life isn’t so easy that all we need to do is throw on our best pair of Birkenstocks and face the day as it comes to us.  At this time of year in fantasy, it’s time to forget about the prospects and focus on the here and now.  There aren’t any September call-ups… wait, where are you all going?  Baseball hasn’t started yet.  Fine, go, be gone with you then!  Ahem…  For those of us still playing for a championship – ohhh *snaps fingers* out of the playoffs burn!  Excuse me.  For those of us still playing for championships, *smirk*, we can’t afford to worry about the what ifs, we can only concern ourselves now with the what has, so here are my weekend streamers of who wills:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Razzball Nation!  We’re here on a special weekend wrap-up where Slim (this is JB speaking) got to the action and JB just snuck in the beginning.  And snuck in the end!  I’m like Brad Pitt at the Oscars.  “Wait, why is he winning best picture!  So confused right now…”  Tomorrow I’ll proudly illustrate what I did over the weekend, but a nice defining touch hoops-wise was another great one from my boy Mike Scott, who while posting great lines, isn’t helping the Hawks win…  And that’s a problem!  Especially with Paul Millsap assumedly back sometime soon this week.  But I thought Gravity mighta gotten best picture too!  After a really rough send-off last Monday, went bonkers on the Suns for 20/5/2/3/0 with three treys and not a single TO.  I bet Philly sports fans wish they had no TO.  BOOM!  Double sports joke.  The main number that got my emoji tats all excited was the 40 mins played.  Millsap is going to travel with the Hawks as they migrate on a 5-game road trip, but very easily could miss the first few making Scott a solid short-term add.  So beam him aboard, win a big week as we near playoff time, and don’t forget to yell over the music if those pompous mf#@*$ng PA guys at the Oscars wanna condescend you by playing the music.  And here’s Slim with what he saw over the weekend:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just like I was telling JB a few days ago, there just isn’t enough time left.  He doesn’t have enough time to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse just like I don’t have enough time to tell you a story loosely based on fictional people and places.  My goal is to ensure everyone reading this makes the playoffs in their leagues and there isn’t enough time to talk about underground bunkers and if George A. Romero was really a psychic time traveler who had come from the future to teach us how to stop the coming apocalypse.  Instead here are 12, wait, 1,2,3… yeah, 12 widely available weekend streamers that I think could swing a close match in your favor.  Who you need all depends on how you’re doing against your opponent and be they a Romero zombie, a 28 days later zombie, or even Billy Connolly, then maybe an add from this list can help you survive one more week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I can’t for the life of me remember why we went to Walmart on a Sunday.  It was probably for something pretty important but me and JB can get sidetracked pretty easily.  Anyway, I don’t want to be there any longer than necessary so when we go I insist we shop by the method we have fondly been calling The Heely Derby.  It’s just like the 80′s style Roller Derby, daisy dukes and all, only with Heelys instead of roller skates so we are slightly less conspicuous.  I remember it was early in the race, we were gaining speed still, weaving around the blockers when out of nowhere I was caught with a forearm shiver that sent me flying.  When I was able to finally free myself from the shirt rack and locate my adversary I was astounded by what I saw.  She couldn’t have been more than 8 years old, decked out in Hello Kitty paraphernalia and still locked in her Kung Fu like pose.  Even in my shock I could tell something was wrong.  Her kitty doll which no doubt was her most prized possession had been knocked to the ground.  Still locked in her pose she slowly turned her head toward me and calmly demanded, “Say you’re sorry”.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.  A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a brothel.  The Priest says to the Rabbi…   Wait, why are you laughing?  You’ve heard it before.  That’s probably a good thing anyway because I might have been banned from the internet if I repeated it here.  Witty punchlines and non sequiturs aside the point remains unchanged.  No matter what our age, sex, or religion happens to be, we can’t just hope things are going to get better.  We need to prepare for the future.  For myself that means maintaining my perfectly quaffed facial hair with treatments of only the finest oils and herbs from the orient.  For JB, and he might get mad at me for telling you this, but he has this pink rubber bowl looking thing.  It has a wooden handle at the top and after about 5-10 minutes with that in the bathroom I swear he comes out looking taller.  Definitely more confident.  Still though – even the giants will shrink to the size of us mere mortals one day.  In fantasy basketball – as in real life – we can’t sit back and hope we are the next giants to be.  In a dynasty league, when our season is lost, that means selling off our older, declining players, and buying stock in the future.  Since we here at Razzball endorse insider trading, here is my take on a few future blue chippers:

Please, blog, may I have some more?