Louis Amundson – Remember how shocked you were the first time you found out Greg Ostertag wasn’t from Lithuania or Poland or something? Yeah, I still have that feeling every time I look at Amundson. Dude’s got to be from Sweden … no? South Africa? He’s from Ventura, you say? Is that in Norway? … California? No! Really? No! But he wears a ponytail. Proudly. Only balding poetry professors wear ponytails proudly! He can’t be a U.S. citizen. How many times do you suppose Amundson’s citizenship papers were requested down in Phoenix? Well, no more of those shenanigans. Amundson blew that no defense, fast-paced, devil-may-care ball club where he averaged 4.5/4.5/1 blk in 15 minutes off the bench to play for … another no defense, fast-paced, devil-may-care ball club where he’ll average 6/6/1 blk in 17.5 minutes off the bench. He’s ignorable in all leagues until Andris Biedrins starts shooting .112 from the free throw line again.
And I said HEY-Yay-Yay! I said HEY! Here’s what’s goin’ on:
Joel Przybilla – Word outta Portland (the name of my first hip-hop quartet) is that the Vanilla Gorilla won’t be game-ready until late November at the earliest. You weren’t planning on drafting him anyway, so the question now is – will he be tagging in for Camby’s brokeass ankles or Oden’s wonky knees?
Josh McRoberts – Looks like Indiana’s starting PF position will come down to him or Jeff Foster, as Tyler Hansbrough‘s vertigo has rendered him sansbrough. J-McR maintained a 12/9/3/2.3 blks+stls per36 last season, so it’s not unheard of for Josh McRoberts – if you’re down – to pick you up. So maybe take a drink from his special cup, Josh McRoberts.
Wesley Matthews – Will start the season as Brandon Roy‘s primary back-up off the bench and should average about 14-15 minutes a game. This concludes our interest in Wesley Matthews as a fantasy option.
Roy Hibbert – Folks in the Pacers’ camp have remarked that Hibbert is noticeably quicker and has trimmed down to 10 percent body fat. As someone who spent eight-and-a-half minutes typing that last sentence because the powdered donut dust kept getting on the keyboard, I can only assume that 10 percent body fat is not very much body fat.
Caron Butler – The Holy Caron is slated to start the season at SG until Rodrigue Beaubois‘ foot heals. Then it’s back to SF and maybe even a little PF. Chang approves.
LaMarcus Aldridge – Added 20 lbs of muscle to his frame this offseason and has been working on his left hand. I once gained 20 lbs. of muscle by workin’ my left hand. If LMA gained that weight the same way I did, I can promise you that he’s played very little basketball this offseason.
Yao Ming – Yao’s surgeons – and by proxy, the Houston Rockets – will limit Ming’s usage to 24 minutes per game, at least until his doctors say otherwise. Doc kicks Rocks kicks Yao kicks y’all. Assuming he stays healthy (don’t assume that) but only plays 24 mpg, you’re looking at a 14/7/1.5 blk season from the big fella. The Price Is Wrong, says the button …