Here’s what you’re likely to hear around the fantasy blogosphere today: You’re likely to read that Norris Cole scored 14 of Miami’s final 24 points. You’re likely to be reminded of Mario Chalmers‘ embarrassing 6 tovs in 19 minutes. And if you read about those two things, you’re probably likely to read about how Cole is Miami’s newest, shiniest toy. “20/4/4! Grab him!” you’ll read. “Obvious add,” will ring in your ears as you rush to your fantasy team. I won’t stop you. These things that you’re likely to read are not wrong. But what you might not read today is how totally bananas these next few weeks are going to be for you whether you sit on the team you drafted or stream the bottom five players every day. How weird? Effing weird. You own Mehmet Okur and Robin Lopez, and admit it, you checked to see if Marshon Brooks is still available. And weirder still, he might not be. This is how the season is going to be for a while. Field-goal percentages are down, turnovers are up, Stephen Curry‘s ankle-tweaks-per-game are breaking records … and eventually one of Stephen Curry’s actual ankles. High draft picks are playing 18 minutes and sitting because they’re out of shape or on the winning end of a blowout, or the losing end of a blowout. Guys who shouldn’t be playing are playing – and succeeding and then immediately sinking back into the deep bench. It’s only going to get weirder, starting with Cole – a player you all know damn well is not a top option on this Miami squad despite evidence to the contrary. I’m not telling you to pass on him. Don’t pass on him. Pick him up. Cole’s not coal, he’s tungsten. All I’m pointing out is that tungsten ain’t gold. So, let’s keep this weird train a-choo-choo-chooing and look at what else happened in fantasy basketball last night.
Keyon Dooling – The thing to key on here is not the 18 points he scored, but the fact that he did almost nothing else and that Paul Pierce was not in the lineup. I’d like also to point out what I did with the “key-on.” Some of you might have missed that.
Rajon Rondo – You want me to poop all over your party? Rondo’s 7 tovs essentially negate the fantasy impact of his 12 assists. 22/8/0 < 22/8/12. #POoPED
Jermaine O’Neal – 0/4/0, with nary a block nor a steal, as J.O. reminded us all why it is we needed to be reminded that Jermaine O’Neal still plays basketball.
Marshon Brooks – He took a handful of questionable shots, including four bricks from beyond the arc. I mention this to temper all the rushing fantasy owners are doing to add this guy. Let’s see him do it twice in a row.
Vladimir Radmanovic – Led everyone on both teams (except Brooks) in minutes played last night and ended with 17/3/5, with a trio of treys. Leave him be. This won’t be the last time I type this today, but rostering him would illustrate to the rest of the league that you’re impetuous and easily swayed. Don’t be that guy. That being said, if you listen to me telling you not to be that guy, you’re still being that guy.
Zaza Pachulia – 13/11. Please don’t make me talk to you about Zaza Pachulia.
Derrick Favors – 8/6 in 19 minutes. Nudge me when he’s more than a paper starter.
Al Jefferson – Shot 2-for-16. /re-checks box score assuming there is a typo. Certainly he must have gone either 2-for-6 or 12-for-16. 2-for-16 can’t be right, can it? Ugh. It can. It is. Pours a shot. Drinks it. Tastes terrible. Looks at bottle. Turns out, it was dish soap. Suddenly knows how Al Jefferson must feel. Proceeds to barf. \ Anyway, Jefferson also went 0-for-9 at the rim last night, which is actually more awful than it sounds. It’s urrful. I blame the offseason empanadas. Not sure if Jefferson even likes those, but they’re getting blamed for his lack of energy and lift just the same.
C.J. Miles – Shot 1-for-8 in 18 season-debut blowout minutes. Ooof. At least he died doing what he loved.
Enes Kanter – 5/10, with a block in the first 21 minutes of his professional basketball career. I’m pretty sure Kevin Love had this covered before the first timeout of his game. Seriously though, it kind of doesn’t make sense for you to be rostering him on your fantasy team.
Marcus Camby – 2/9/5, with 2 blocks. So far this season, he’s averaging 4/11/5.5, with 2 blk. Show of hands: Who knew he still had two consecutive Camby-like games in him? C’mon lemme see those hands. Don’t be shy. I count one hand. Wait. No. You were just stretching? Okay.
Jimmer Fredette – Shot 4-of-10 and ended with 10 points. When will it be time to mention how ghastly Jimmer’s defense is and how the ghastliness of that defense is going to hinder the playing time he gets? Oh, just now? This counts as a mention? Well, then. That’s convenient.