JB – We’re back with our second annual NBA Razzies, awarding the worst of the worst from the 2014-15 NBA Season! Last year’s ceremony was a pop culture sensation, a slamming of the dysfunctional Bucks and the [former] Luminescent Lithuanian. Speaking of luminescent, I’m here with Slim who looks radiant. What is that, some Oil of Olay exfoliant you’ve been using lately?
Slim – Really…? I mean, that’s my intro…? Really…?
JB – Yes, “really” as in I’m “really” happy with the turnout at the polls, as many of you patriotic citizens of Razzball Nation made your voices be heard in our 8 categories to be awarded tonight. And I have to say Slim, I got a sneak peek of the results, and I have to agree with most of our winners. Razzball Nation is so wise!
JB begins stroking Slim’s beard
JB – How did YOU get to be so wise, Slim?
Slim – I’ve got to sit here and put up with this AND do a Podcast with you in a few hours?! I’m firing my agent…
JB – …Speaking of firing, Brian Shaw is here! Donning a “please hire me, seriously ANYONE!” suit made by the fine tailors of Larry Drew.
Slim – Yes and Michael Carter-Williams is here, excited for tonight’s festivities as he’s up for multiple awards. I’m really having trouble figuring out what he’s showcasing on the red carpet… Looks like he’s in 4 XL jacket, but his pants barely go past his knees…
JB – Yup, that MCW has never been good with his ratios, Slim!
Slim – Correct you are JB, and with that, it looks like we’re ready to hand out our first award, so let’s tune in to the stage and start awarding our second annual Razzies:
Worst coach of the year for fantasy [in]consistency:
Brian Shaw – DEN (70)
Byron Scott – LAL (39)
Brett Brown – PHI (33)
Brad Stevens – BOS (24)
Brian Shaw – Sheesh, of all these B-name coaches, I got the most B-Team worth of NBA scrubs! That’s right committee, F this noise, Kenneth Faried is garbage, I’m putting this award on my bench never to be seen again, I’m goin’ home!
The worst fantasy impacting injury:
Kevin Durant – OKC (84)
(the field) Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Jrue Holiday, Kobe Bryant, Derrick Rose, Wesley Matthews, Serge Ibaka, Terrence Jones, Brandon Jennings, Ricky Rubio, Brook Lopez, Darren Collison, Jared Sullinger, Alec Burks (83)
Durant limps onto the stage
Kevin Durant – Damn, this cold. Barely into my new round of rehab and I got called out here… I can’t help it if my big ass, lanky foot never healed up right! I tried bouncing back and being the consistent, consensus #1 beast I’ve been the past few years, but the Slim Reaper of injuries got the strong and weak alike. I had a feeling winter was comin’! Damn, I’ve been watching too much Game of Thrones on HBO Go while tripping on Oxy recovering from this ish…
Worst JB call:
Klay Thompson – GSW (62)
Michael Carter Williams – PHI/MIL (53)
Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (28)
Goran Dragic – PHX/MIA (18)
Klay Thompson – Wait, what?! I break out and I get a mother F Razzie for it?! Well, this award goes to that fantasy impotent JB who had been slammin’ my game since I hit the NBA. I always had these D stats and 3 dimes a game up my sleeve! And I wear sleeves a lot with our sick unis.
looks menacing right into the camera
See what happens if you rank me like shit again JB, SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
Worst Slim call:
Kenneth Faried – DEN (81)
K.J. McDaniels – PHI/HOU (34)
Alec Burks – UTA (21)
John Wall – WAS (15)
Kenneth Faried – Go ahead, pile on, but at least Slim likes me. Does my coach like me? No. GM? No. My imaginary pet parrot that sits on my shoulder that I’ve had since I was 5? No. But Slim does. He says he’ll still give Polly a peanut after I’ve made a big play next year. Can you say the same? Could you ever find it in your heart to give my pet parrot Polly a peanut again?
Biggest bust who didn’t get hurt:
Nicolas Batum – POR (86)
Kenneth Faried – DEN (43)
Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (24)
Thaddeus Young – MIN/BKN (12)
Nicolas Batum – Mon poignet fait mal! Je espère que les gens comprennent mon Google Translate français!
Worst team for fantasy goodness:
New York Knicks – Knicks President Phil Jackson (75)
Los Angeles Lakers – Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak (33)
Philadelphia – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie (24)
Boston Celtics – Celtics GM Danny Ainge (24)
Phil Jackson – I’m going to read you a quote from my best selling novel, Eleven Rings (cough, available on Amazon.com, cough). Excuse me. Ahem. “If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball!” So you tell me, is Andrea Bargnani Buddha?
audience looks around dumbfounded, then nods with an understanding that it’s a good argument…
I want to thank the comittee for this award, but one last quote from my book: “Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. JAPANESE PROVERB!” Well, I guess in our case, fall down 66 times and stand up 16… But, ya know, tanking. JAPANESE PROVERB!
Worst ratio killer:
Michael Carter-Williams – PHI/MIL (55)
Lance Stephenson – CHA (44)
Andre Drummond – DET (28)
Josh Smith – DET/HOU (26)
Michael Carter-Williams – *slurred* First off I’d like to thank… umm… God. One. And then I’d like to thank the Sixers organization. They gave me a chance to showcase what I do and I must have impressed someone since they were so eager to promote me to the Bucks. I’d like to thank them too. The Bucks organization. But now that I’ve been promoted to team Punt Percents I’m only looking into the future. Me, Smoove, Drum, man… Not 1, not 2.
Worst Slim projection:
Jimmy Butler – CHI (53)
Dirk Nowitzki – DAL (34)
Pau Gasol – CHI (31)
Klay Thompson – GSW (29)
Jimmy Butler – Yeah I crushed those projections, but that was my goal heading into the year. I wanted to find some random schmuck on the internet who thought I couldn’t shoot. 42% and 14 points per game. Laughable. Ha! Now that that’s out of the way I have a question for you Slim, up there in the announcers’ booth. 46% and 20 PPG next year. Over/Under?
Slim – Is this with or without… oh nevermind. Over.
Slim drops his mic and begins to run away
Slim – In less than 70 games!
Slim jets out of the booth
JB – Well, ummmmmm, we’ve lost Slim… Do we… Cut here?
Klay Thompson runs towards the booth wielding his Razzie like a weapon
JB – OH WAIT! Ummmm, SLIM! You were my ride!
JB runs out as well